Sex and Heart

bye bye

2009-06-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

Bye Bye Blogspot.
Blogspot Bye Bye.
Please come and join me in my new, now official location:
wwwsexandheart.com.
I look forward to hearing from everyone. Come to relax, read, and say hello. I love it when you leave your thoughts and comments.

Coming soon :)

100% organic made from herbs and flowers I grow in my garden and lovingly infuse, blend, and create:

face serums/moisturizers
body butters
medicinals/tinctures
flower essence remedies.

insecure, oh yes

2009-05-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

Insecurities are difficult, often seemingly impossible. And yes insecurities interfere, get in your way, frustrate you, anger you. It's fear. It's always fear which we all carry to some degree or another. It can vary from day to day, minute to minute even. And it's all okay.

Know that you will never be free of them forever. They do serve a purpose. They act as reminders that your work is never completed. There's always room for more opening, more growth, more blossoming, and this is wonderful. If you can share this with another, heal with them and within them, it doesn't get much more beautiful than that.

Men and women alike are plagued with fears, read insecurities. I could argue that women more easily fall victim to them in some respects given the enormous pressure on us to look a certain way, young, beautiful, sexy, and we are often rejected via many venues for not filling the bill. Ask yourself though, "Is this the kind of man you want? Is this the kind of job you want? Is this the kind of life you want to lead? Do you want a life full of meaning or one that's filled with nothing?"

Yet we are bombarded with it and everywhere, and this sucks, and this hurts, big time. We can often and rather easily lose our sense of self and focus on what really doesn't matter so much, obsessing over what are usually lies, what we have lost or never had in the first place, such trivialities and so untrue. Sadly it seems as much as we are gaining equality, in some ways we are succumbing more and more to societal mores.

Who you are though is not your face nor your body. I'm not saying to neglect yourself. But you don't have to look a certain way or be anything but who you are to be gorgeous. For who you are is love. Who you are is found in your heart and soul, and this can glow more than any youthful, unblemished, "perfect" skin or form, shine forth more brilliantly than a flawless diamond, radiate more beautifully no matter what your age or physicality. PLEASE, PLEASE remember this.

I struggle with this as do you. I may always as may you. And strangely or maybe not so, it seems to hit me the hardest every time I have an emotional and/or spiritual breakthrough. For me every time I open myself just a bit more, become more vulnerable just a little, part the curtains that shield me, bare my heart and soul, my insecurities can sometimes come rushing in, sometimes flooding my consciousness, yet sometimes they merely ripple through, barely noticed, hardly acknowledged.

There's no telling what's going to happen when, and you don't need to know. Try not to fret when insecurities come to visit. Try not to resist. Sink into them as deeply as you can. Be with them. Flow with them. Ride their waves. They will take you where you ultimately wish to go.

open-eyed heart

2009-05-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

Whenever you are about to embark on a new endeavor or are being faced with an event or situation over which trepidation, hesitancy, anxiety, or even fear creeps in (which could also be mixed with excitement), wherever you are physically, emotionally, spiritually in that moment, try this:

Be prepared for anything, yet keep yourself as open as possible. BE CURIOUS. BE VERY, VERY CURIOUS. Whatever unfolds, even if it's nothing at all, allow awe, allow wide-eyed wonder.

fear and such

2009-05-13T09:48:00.001-07:00

Whenever fear knocks at your door, welcome it, embrace it even. See it as an opportunity to expand and grow even more. As painful and as difficult as your process of letting and allowing vulnerability can be at times, knowing that with each step it becomes easier is comfort in and of itself.

Yet every time fear, whatever fear arises, even if it's of a greatly diminished nature, try letting it in, for a little while. Resist the urge to resist it or push it way. Try not to ignore it. Know that whatever triggered the fear has nothing whatsoever to do with what's going on around and about you. Know that it's you, something deep within that has yet to be healed. Try sinking into for a moment and then recognizing it for what it is. Your fear is just a little piece of you. You were triggered by something; it doesn't matter what it is, and fear arose; it doesn't have to have a name.

Fears never go away completely, forever, and that's not a bad thing, so when it rears it's little head, acknowledge it and know that all this piece really needs is a big hug from you and a place to snuggle for awhile within you.

Appreciating this, allowing this, will alleviate the fear, put it back into perspective, and thus you will avoid falling into obsessive thoughts, wallowing in ever increasing hurt, falling into a deep, dark abyss.

new location

2009-05-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

This is a little note to let you all know that I will be moving everything over to my own domain. Each day, more or less, and in chronological order, a former post will be retyped on my new site. This site will remain, and I will continue to post here though not as often until everything has been moved, but then all new material will be found at:

http://sexandheart.com/wordpress/.

Please join me, reread old posts as reminders, and please, please let me know what you think, about the new site, any past postings, current ones, or anything at all.
I will post another note when it's time to say goodbye to blogspot.
I look forward to seeing you in my new home. :)

sexandheart.com

hugs, tinque

overthinking

2009-04-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

Thinking read analyzing will get you into trouble every time. Each time you ask yourself, "What is he doing? What is he thinking", you are opening the door wide, inviting your lying little gremlin voices in, and they will come in, happily, gladly. They will whisper little nastys in you ear. Those little whispers will become screams in no time. They know your vulnerable spots, and they will find them. They will worm their way in; they will take you over if you let them, and as you know this hurts.

You are at your most vulnerable whenever you are feeling shaky, if only a little bit, and you may not even know you are wavering, not until you find yourself being revisited by whatever it is that triggers you as evidenced by those little friends of yours.

The temptation to give in to those thoughts and analyze a likely non-existent situation is strong. The icky feelings flood in, the thoughts escalate, and soon you're sinking ever deeper into an abyss, spiraling into hell.

You must catch yourself as soon as possible. You can recognize that you're feeling shaky, that you've been triggered, or really you are triggering yourself, and you know because "they" are talking to you.

Know that you are only having these thoughts and feelings like this because you've been thrown for whatever reason, maybe even only a fleeting thought of which you were totally unaware. Know that this is all you, all your stuff, not anyone else's.

We go to these places because they are familiar and there is comfort in familiarity even if it feels uncomfortable as strange and contradictory as that may sound. Opening yourself, being vulnerable is the scariest thing you will likely ever do. Sometimes it just feels too much. Deep down we can feel unworthy, so these thoughts keep what you wish for at arm's length. Or we can feel fear, a fear that it will all be taken away, so if we run interference in the form of these bad thoughts, the analyzing, we won't be hurt by the hurt that is surely inevitable.

THIS IS ALL NONSENSE. This is old thinking. These are old habits.

Indulge in a shaky feeling moment if you wish. Turn the thoughts over a few times if you must, but then recognize them for what they are, silly and unfounded. Laugh at them. Dismiss them. Talk to them. Soothe them, or turn them into a beautiful memory, one that more resembles the truth. Allow the new feelings that arise to seep in and permeate you.

So don't be afraid when those thoughts and feelings come to visit. Old thinking and old habits won't disappear quickly or completely for that matter. They may come to visit periodically always, but that's okay. Yes they feel unpleasant. Yes it can feel as though you are not progressing or not progressing fast enough. Yes it can be frustrating, but I'm here to tell you that they do diminish with time in intensity, as time between visits grows. When they appear know that it's simply a reminder that there's more work to do. There's always more work to do, and this is part of the journey, and it's yours. This is your life, and it's wonderful.

what's really bothering you

2009-04-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

Whatever thoughts you may have around any bad feelings or negative thoughts that arise, more specifically and more importantly with someone significant in your life, eg. your beloved, whether it be something real or imaginary, most of the time those thoughts are not true. They are the stories you create, as your old stuff is being tapped into, and these stories have nothing to do with what's at hand.

The situation which created the bad feelings and/or negative thoughts may seem very real. It certainly feels real, and in a sense it is. But what's really going on is that you are being triggered, and your gremlin voices have crept back in telling you lies based on your past, the hurts, the traumas that feel much like what is occurring in the present.

You had a moment of shakiness instigated by a word, an event which allowed them to breach the boundaries of your goddess self to release an old pain, again one that has nothing to do with the now. It's an ancient fear, one that may very well always be with you, but the more you can recognize it for what it is, something from the past, the less impact it will have on you now. It's the old stuff coloring the new.

For example this past weekend was my birthday. I already knew what my present from my man was going to be, a beautiful diamond and ruby ring and not a small one. Almost everyone I had told about getting this wonderful gift to come asked me if it meant we were getting married. This hadn't even occurred to me.

Though someday I would like to do this, even after seven years it doesn't feel like the right time. We are so good together that there's a fear that it might spoil this great thing we have, and for all intents and purposes we are already married, our hearts and souls are that is. We are already committed to each other. We adore each other. We have an amazing sex life that is firmly connected to our hearts in a never ending spiraling figure eight between us. A piece of paper cannot add to this. And honestly it's just not that important to me anymore.

In some ways marriage feels like an artificial construct imposed by society. So when and if it happens, it would be lovely; it would maybe be a tiny little extra something special, but really it would be more about ease of maneuvering within the constraints of our legal system.

Anyway I dismissed everyone's conjectures, but as the day approached, I started feeling strange, anxious, disconnected from myself and from him. I started having thoughts that looked like, "He's been talking animatedly with our mutual friend. I haven't been really included in the conversation. Does he have a thing for her? Does he fantasize about being with her?" Now she's happily married , and when I'm being sane, I know to my core that my man is very happy with me, lusts only for me.

This escalated. I started having thoughts again about the images he looks at sometimes, porn, photos of much younger, prettier? women. I wondered if he thinks about being with any of them. Or worse he imagines one or more of them when we make love. Of course all of this was affecting how I was being with him. He's very sensitive to me, so he knew something was up with me.

Then HE started feeling weird to me, distant, almost cold even though on the surface he seemed the same. I asked him if something was bothering him, and he came back with that he was feeling like I'm expecting him to validate my existence. I was floored. Whatever strange energy I was putting out, it certainly wasn't that. He can't do that for me. I have to do that for myself. He knows that I know that and live that.

My energy notwithstanding, it became clear to me that he was being triggered. And I also realized that I too was being triggered by something far deeper than the silly incident with our friend. Something else was going on with both of us, and apparently we were also feeding off of each others' energy.

In a moment I understood. A ring such as this is deeply symbolic. As unconventional as we are, we are still traditional in our own ways. Even for us, something such as a diamond ring resonates with proposals and weddings.

Deep within I was worrying that he would ask. Not that I would have said no had he, but I really didn't want him to, not now. And this is probably what was triggering him as well. He was likely concerned that this is what I was expecting, so he was feeling pressured, a pressure of his own making by the way. He was not wanting to do this either, not right now. He was misreading my weird energy as I was his.

So all the bad thoughts I was having had nothing to do with what was going which was nothing really. It was all based on unfounded fears. The not wanting to get married just yet was being masked by old stuff which for me looks like abandonment fears, and for him it looks like demands and/or expectations being imposed on him.

As soon as I figured this out, my energy reestablished itself and since men take our lead in this, his quickly did too. I shared all of this with him. He laughed almost in dismissal, but I know he understood the dynamic which had been created between us.

So the next time you're having bad thoughts about the one you love, you might ask yourself, "Is this true? Could it really be something else altogether? What if it weren't true? What if this is really my stuff and has nothing to do with him at all?"

This alone will help you feel better. If you can figure out what it really is that's bothering you, it will help all the more. Even if the facts of what you think is troubling you appear to be true, likely it's not what you've created out of it. You have the power to realize that everyone gets triggered, the wisdom to understand that it's not about you, and the courage to manage your own stuff, whatever comes up for you. You have been brought together to heal or not. As I've said before, "Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed." The choice is yours. So, what's really bothering you?

life and love

2009-03-18T18:11:00.001-07:00

Life is strange, surreal even. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all an illusion, a dream because it feels so tenuous, and sometimes I feel so removed from it, as if I'm an outsider looking in at all the wonders, all the pain, all of it. Sometimes it feels as if it shouldn’t be at all.

Life is love. We live for it. It’s so much a part of us, stronger even than the power of the fear of death. We rarely give up in our search for it. This feels very real.

Life is full of fear, and it feels just as real, maybe more so than the feelings of love. I feel fear hovering around me much of the time. How encompassing it might be varies from day to day, moment to moment.

Fear can rule you. Fear can drive you, usually into the ground. Fear, any fear always comes back to the fear of death. So we seek love, and maybe if we find it, we will be saved from the death we so fear or at least be released from this fear. Yet the thought of allowing love in and then to have it yanked away at any time is an awful, awful thought and feeling too, scary, almost as scary as the fear of death because if it's happened to you, you know that's how it feels, like the end of everything.

You can live fearful of the inevitable, endings, any endings, the end, but this is paralyzing, leaving you fearful of most possibilities. When it comes to love, as much as we crave it, fear can cause us to push love away. You can find yourself avoiding the very thing you want so desperately, the very thing that is life. LOVE.

Fear may be love's opposite, yet it's not its enemy.You can learn to allow it to help you by allowing it to drive you in the direction you really want to go, into your heart, towards your passions. Instead of fighting the fear, give in to it, feel it fully. It won't consume you. The resistance is what fuels it. If you allow it, it will shift, change into something else.

An extension of this is to live in each and every moment fully. Live each moment as if it's the first one you ever had, one filled with awe and wonder and yes love. You will never get back any of your moments, so relish them, revel in them, love them no matter what they bring.

You have to allow it all, the good, the bad, the yummy, the icky, for it's all good. It all makes you stronger and closer to the peace you seek as well as the love you so wish for within yourself and for yourself. Yes it hurts to hurt, but how else would you know bliss if you haven't felt the deepest of abysses?

If you want something with all you have, anything and everything is possible, for desire allows belief which leads to even greater desire which leads you to the life you have dreamed of. And it will be. Remember that love is what we are born as, what we are. Life is love. Love is life.

words

2009-03-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

Words inherently have no meaning other than the ones an individual might attach to them. This is a broad statement and not entirely true in that a tree will always be a tree no matter how someone might try to convince me otherwise.

But what about those words that shift and change, morph even depending on an individual's experience, upbringing, the society in which they live?

Words can and do hurt. They can and do feel bad, but it's contingent on what those words mean to you as an individual and the emotions they evoke. They can have different meanings, varied connotations depending on the person and also depending on the situation.

There are really no words that are "bad". I thought of the worst word for me, one that I hate to hear, write. The one word that makes me cringe. That word is cunt. Yet this words dates back to the Middle Ages if not before. Cunny shortened to cunte was no more offensive than vajayjay would be today. Chaucer's works are filled with this word.

A blonde could conjure up images of a bimbo, a woman with little upstairs, yet to others she might represent beauty.

I know of a woman who enjoys being called bitch in bed. I wouldn't like that at all. It would feel bad under any circumstances for me, but that's me. She's okay with it, so I'm okay that she's okay.

Men too have words attached to them that can have negative connotations. Player, playboy, gigolo all speak to me of men I would not want to know, but I'm sure there are many women who would disagree with me and many men who would feel quite alright being called any one of these, proud even.

Even the "n" word depending on who says it, where and how it is said is not always a "bad" word. I would find it offensive if spoken in my presence as would a great many others, yet it's spoken freely within the black community in a non-charged fashion. Anywhere else though, no way.

My man calls me his hussy slut ho which for me speaks of my sexual blossoming and the freedom I discovered in that which I explored with him. He speaks it with love, respect, admiration, and adoration. This makes me feel as the most sensuous goddess, for that is how it is meant. It's something fun and playful between us.

Yet to some these words connote degradation; they represent a fallback to a time when women were nothing but possessions, objects to be used at will. These could be thought of as some of the lowest things one can call a woman. This could be true for me too if someone said this to me with evil intent, if the implication was that I was promiscuous which means to me that I would have numbed myself so much, that I would be such pain from my numbness that I would feel compelled to sleep with anything that has a dangly between his legs or something like that. In this context it would feel awful. To someone else it might mean something else altogether.

No word is pure in its meaning. Any word can mean many things to many different people. No word is inherently bad. It's all about the individual and/or the context. So I will continue to love, embrace my hussy slut ho-ness within my relationship, the one with whom I share my bed, my life, my heart, my beloved.

thought for today, for always

2009-03-05T12:50:00.000-08:00

The closer you come to allowing yourself to touch your core, your deepest heart, the love you were born as, the love you are, the more in harmony you will be with others, and the more as love they will feel to you, for you are opening yourself, your heart, allowing yourself to touch, to feel their core, their love, they as love.

What others think of you has very little to do with who you are. It has mostly to do with habits of thought they have developed. You create you own as well, and you can change them.

If you want to have thoughts and thus feelings about others that feel good, then create a fantasy that makes you feel warm and peaceful, full. This is especially effective with those to whom you are close, your beloved, a dear friend, because it means more to you. Soon, sooner than you might believe possible, he or she will begin to modify to meet your fantasy.

It's not as woo woo or maybe as arrogant as it may sound. It's simple really. It's all about the energy you project, and what you project comes back to you.

Keep in mind that the fantasy likely more closely aligns with who this person really is which is love, resembling the truth far more than your old habits of thought. The more you live and love as this truth, the more it will be your reality.

the sexual divine

2009-03-03T16:46:00.000-08:00

I received a letter from a man who lives in a religious and seemingly sexually repressed society. He lives his life by the Bible, yet his interpretation seems to differ vastly from what he's been taught.

He wishes to celebrate the human body in all its beauty including the joy of sexual orgasm without shame or embarrassment as his reading of the Bible seems to tell him. Yet his upbringing and the teachings in his community contradict this. Women cover themselves, hide their beauty as well as suppress and deny their sexuality, all things this man would feel are God given.

How sad is this. Sex is divine. Sex is to be with the divine. It's a divinely beautiful and precious gift that if we allow ourselves to let go and open enough to fully enjoy, nothing will ever come close to the purity of feeling and state you will experience when you allow yourself to completely relax into orgasm. It's not named "little death" by the French for nothing.

You touch the divine in those blissful moments. Nothing else exits but you in a pure love, pure being state, especially if you are able to share your orgasm with a beloved. Nothing else makes me feel more connected to life, to love, to the collective unconscious, to the universe. Nothing else makes me feel more gorgeous and goddess like. Nothing else feels soooooooo good.

making love while listening at level three

2009-02-23T11:42:00.000-08:00

Sex is a very special, intimate, and precious gift when engaged in with someone you love. It's an expression, a declaration, a sharing, a beautiful flow between two people. It's a discovery of self in the moment through two hearts beating as one, two bodies melting one into the other.

After reading a blog entry posted by Rori Raye on havetherelationshipyouwant.com about listening at level three, inspiration struck. This would be something lovely if not profoundly spiritual to try while making love, something that might deepen and further expand something that has seemingly limitless potential for exploration, of bodily sensations, inside and out, of the heart, of the soul.

I've already been going in that direction anyway. The more I have been releasing, letting go, opening myself to myself as well as to my beloved, the more I have been able to feel physically and emotionally, some of it very painful, except when making love, and some of it exquisite as when making love. Every touch, every vibration, every sensation continues to become more so, more nuanced, more intense, just more. Imagine the possibilities of making love while listening at level three.

There are three ways sex can begin for me, with fieriness, electricity coursing through me or gently as a slow build up, or sometimes it can be a blending of the two, but always in the beginning I'm very much into myself, the sensations welling within my body. I am acutely aware of his touch wherever it might be, on my face, his lips against mine, hand caressing hair, body, breasts, waist, back, hips, thighs.

Every inch of flesh tingles, some places more than others, all of it delicious. My heart opens and swells as do my female parts. Sometimes I become highly aroused quickly; other times it's a quieter rise; sometimes I just feel relaxed. I would call this listening at level one.

I then open my eyes to take him in, include him. I see his sparkling eyes, his sensuous smile, his lust, his desire, his love, his energy butting up against mine.

I allow him to see me, all of me, my feminine figure, my arousal, my excited anticipation, my joy, my heart as much as it will reveal itself in this moment. This would be listening at level two.

I close my eyes again and expand my senses beyond us. I feel textures, the sheets brushing against our forms, pillows cradling heads and limbs, the air surrounding us, enveloping us, breathing life into us. I feel the flickering candlelight warming us, making silky, shadowy shapes against our hearts.

I expand farther still to the world outside, all that Mother Nature has to offer, gentle breezes, soft aromas, the pulse of the universe. Yet I'm still very much in my body feeling all that I can feel, every trembling, every oscillation, every beat. And I'm still very much in connection with him, feeling all that he feels, feeling all that he emits and gives me through his skin, his member, his spirit, his heart.

As much as I'm able, I'm allowing all that is to enter me, fill me up, enhance what my being creates, as she surrenders to herself, to her man, to life, to love, moving in a sweet, symbiotic dance. This is making love while listening at level three.

remembering to choose

2009-02-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

As I awoke this morning wrapped in my beloved's arms, the familiar, almost ever present feeling of sadness tinged with negativity and anxiety wafted gently through me. Though these feelings have abated greatly, they linger still. They plague me however slight the feeling may be, and this makes me feel...well, sad. "Am I destined to be unhappy always, the artist in angst? Is this what drives me? Does this get in my way?" flashed through my little brain. In the same burst of illumination I understood that it most definitely interferes.

It became a part of me early, likely as a survival mechanism, a protection. It has kept me "safe", free of the fear of hurt, but it has also kept the good stuff at bay. Ironically it creates much the same hurt it's meant to shelter me from. Whether it be from lack of unconditional love or life beating me down over and over so that I numbed out, gave in, or whether it be a habit socially imposed or self-created, does it really matter?

Sadness may always be inside, and this is okay. This I can live with, thrive on, but need it be the greater part of me? Need it smother me? Can I use it instead to enhance the love I have in my heart, the love I was born with, the love we are all born as?

As I lay there taking in his wonderful, comforting smell, the one that turns me on, yet in this moment it was soothing me, calming me, as I nestled there knowing how fortunate I am, for it's not that I'm unaware, unappreciative, ungrateful, I wondered if I could simply choose, choose to feel good all over, inside and out.

This man clearly loves and adores me, is so turned on by me, passionate about me, yet I'm not letting him in, not really. I'm not fully submerging in this moment which is such a special, beautiful one. I'm not allowing myself to be nourished. I'm not allowing my heart and soul to expose themselves completely. I'm allowing my fears, my habits to supersede. How awful is that? How silly is that?

He's right here, delighted to love me. The healing waters are right here bathing me, through his heart, through my heart. What if I simply choose to feel his love, my love in this moment? What if I choose to feel happy right now?

Instantly my body relaxed. The tensions, the holdings I feel so much of the time grabbing at my heart melted, just like that. My energy shifted. I suddenly felt him, every little bit of him, his soft skin radiating warmth, his heart glowing with love and peace. My heart swelled at the same time. In that moment I was utterly and completely open, receiving.

Each time I tighten inside and close the curtains around my heart, each time I guard myself, each time a bad thought creeps in, each time a gremlin voice screams at me or just whispers, I can remember this experience. I have the power to change my habitual patterns. I have the power to choose.

trust, love, and grace

2009-01-30T18:04:00.001-08:00

TRUST equals LOVE. LOVE equals TRUST.
To grow in one, you must nurture the other and vice versa. They are not mutually exclusive. They live and breathe side by side, hand in hand. And the connection between the two is GRACE.

There is a calmness to this and a seeming simplicity, but usually there is stuff which interferes, our fears which can manifest in any number of ways. It's all fear. Releasing fear is a process, yet it can be a beautiful and enlightening journey, the path of which is found through whatever means works for you, be it meditation, journaling, reading books and articles that speak to you, sharing with friends or loved ones, finding your passions, all of these, or something else altogether.

Desire to embark on this journey is where it all begins, and this takes courage, strength, and resilience, but it's all so worth it. As you let your fears go, bit by bit is best, for this gives your body, mind, and psyche time to integrate, aspects of trust just seem to creep in as do the most wonderful feelings, indescribable ones. The more you release, the more of this you will feel, and the more your desire will deepen.

Some of the first steps will be leaning to trust yourself first, your intuition, your heart and all that arises from this. The more you actively work to let your fears go, the more you can banish or at least quiet down the demon voices that can sometimes scream at you. The more you can dig deeply inside, the more layers you can shed, the more you will find your true heart, your love that has always lain at your core, the more peace you will find, the more you will trust, and the more you will expand in all ways as the gorgeous goddess woman that you are.

Will you sometimes be hurt? Of course, unless you are able to attain nirvana which most of us as humans won't. You will still be affected by others words, behaviors, habits at times. But keep close the knowledge that they are out of your realm. You can only have control over yourself and your own actions which most importantly include your reactions, your feelings, your hurt.

You can choose to fall into old patterns of allowing others to dictate how you feel. You can try forcing yourself to ignore them by telling yourself they mean no direct harm which is probably true, but you run the danger of stuffing your feelings which can emerge, or they can lie there and fester. Either way it's destructive, and doing this will bring you further away from what you are working to let in, peace, trust, and love.

Or you can choose to sink into the pain, love through the hurt. Feel your feelings, the good feeling ones as well as the bad feeling ones. ALLOW your feelings in all their forms whether you deem them justified or not. Sink deeply into them, and then watch them shift, change, TRANSFORM.

It's perfectly okay to express how you feel. I strongly suggest that you do, without accusation or confrontation. This is done by using feeling statements. For example, "I'm feeling bad, awful, hurt or whatever it is you are feeling." You will likely be asked why. Express that what the person said or did felt bad, and then ask for their help with this or ask what they think. No raised or accusatory voices are necessary.

Compose a little speech and memorize it if this helps you from getting flustered. Keep it short and simple, and keep it all about you and how you feel. If you are nervous or anxious about speaking out, say so. Start out by stating that you feel uncomfortable or frightened bringing whatever it is up.

People can and will hear you if approached in this way. Go with whatever evolves from here be it further discussion, a negotiation, an apology, or nothing at all. If there is no response or if there is any defensiveness, that's okay though this scenario is unlikely. You can turn and walk away. Breath if there is any residue within you. Go do something that feels good to you.

You will learn to trust that any actions or words that hurt you are not intentional. Everyone is on their unique path. They must find their way in their own way. Knowing this makes it easier to let the hurt go.

As you work on yourself, releasing, letting go, and peace begins to pervade you, love begins to flow forth and fill your being, a humbleness, a humility will arise naturally, and what I mean by that is an elegance of spirit, a free flowingness in the face of whatever is. It's an openness, a vulnerability, a trust in self and love. GRACE. It's an inextricable part of this.

And all of this extends to trust in the ones you love and care about, trust that they know what they are doing even if you don't like whatever it is, that's it not a reflection on you or has anything to do with you. Trusting with grace, trusting with love, loving with trust, loving with grace is an acceptance and an embracing. It's freeing.

breaking the barrier

2008-12-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

I received a letter from a reader which prompted this entry. Her letter is below. My response follows.

"That is truly a brilliant idea. I don't know who spread the silly notion that men are visual and women less so, but it couldn't be less true. The toughest part for me is getting over the shyness factor. In my experience most women, even ones with perfect bodies, have body image stuff going on. Any tips for less forthcoming gals."

First of all men may or may not be more visual than women, but in my experience, they become more easily aroused visually than women do, but, and this is a big but, they are very clear on the difference between being aroused by nearly any naked even if only somewhat decent looking woman and the attraction and passion they feel for their woman, their beloved. The former may start their juices flowing, if only a drop, or it may evoke the desire to masturbate, or not, but the latter makes them want to have YOU, whether it be a quick fantasy, a tender loving embrace, or wild sex.

That said, believe me when I say I was so shy the first time and every time I had pictures taken, but each time it did get easier. If it's too much to handle having someone else there the first time, take digital pictures of yourself.This takes the other person out of the picture.

Believe me too when I say that the first time I gave my guy pictures, I was also feeling shy and self-conscious, but when I saw how much he liked them and the whole concept really, I felt so much better.

Take them in a dimly lit room though I warn you that the flash will make your face look strange, old and wrinkly even, but not so the body. I have no idea why. Face shots are better taken in natural daylight.

Try to remember that men are not anywhere near as critical as we. They don't see any of the things we do. As an example when I took my pussy pics, I had just made coffee. After I grind the beans, I take my index finger and get out the residue from inside the grinder, some of which gets all up under my nail. In most of my pictures, my coffee grimed fingernail was clearly visible. He never noticed. I wasn't freshly waxed, so I had stray hairs too. he never saw. Remember this.

It would be really nice if you could find someone you trust who knows something about picture taking so as to put you in the nicest possible light, the prettiest poses possible. There are many professional women out there. I would most definitely recommend a woman for many reasons. Ask around.

You will still feel awkward and uncomfortable. You will. It's something new. You're exposing yourself; you're being vulnerable. These feelings are normal.

A good photographer will encourage you and take at least the worst of the weird feelings away and once you see for yourself how beautiful you are in your pictures, you will feel sooooooo much better. And again remember, he will never notice any of the things that you perceive as flaws. He will only see the one he loves, YOU. He will only see how sexy you are, and you are his. How lucky he is for that.

more fun sex stuff

2008-12-04T14:35:00.001-08:00

Here's something totally empowering, liberating, and very amusing to do for yourself and your man. Have nudie pictures taken of yourself.

What prompted me to do this the first time was that my guy was going to be going be taking a job out of state, so we would only see each other maybe every other wee. I thought he might like having me nearby while he was far away.

This was so out of character for me at the time, for we were not only new together as a couple, I was also shy about those things and quite uncomfortable in my own skin, insecure. I had never done anything like this before.

Fortunately one of my best friends is a photographer, and since she had to do some porn work in the past, this was not a big deal for her other than we are friends.

Now boudoir pictures are lovely, and if that's all you can handle, go for it. That's beautiful, but I'm suggesting something more. I'm not saying not to get some beautiful undies for your shoot; please do. I did, but they should come off as the shoot progresses.

My first pictures were certainly of the boudoir sort. I wore a corset, a bra and panty set underneath, hose and garters. These were shed piece by piece until I was fully naked. It was very soft, very sweet, erotic, not especially racy aside from the fact I was nude in many of them.

He never did go away for this job, but needless to say the photo essay went over well, so well that I decided three years later to do some more, edgier ones this time. These ones were boudoir like as well, but this time there was much self-fondling going on, all over.

I made an album of the best shots like the first time, and I had also had all the good pictures put on a CD to load on the computer. He loved these too and has used them well when he has had to be away for work. The following year I did another shoot of the more explicit sort.

I like to leave a few pictures up for him on the computer if I know he's going to be home at lunchtime or back before me in the evening. You can do the same, and/or you can leave prints if you have them on his chair, by his pillow, in his suitcase if he's going out of town, or anywhere you know he will find them.

More recently we've been having a special "playnight", so I've been making a little slide show for him with select photos. But honestly I've become bored with my pictures, I've wanted to do another shoot, but my friend has been unavailable, so I came up with this.

Why not take pictures of myself with the digital camera? Why not some really graphic ones, even more so than what I had already since my friend won't so close ups, and I wouldn't want her to anyway.

So I grabbed the digital camera and shot away. It's not easy getting your parts in frame nicely if they get in at all. There were many rejects, but I did get the hang of it, and so will you.

Be creative. I did some shots of my eyes and some face shots; full body shots are impossible. I did some boobie shots, one alone, both together, at rest, squished together, and close up nipple ones. I also did some pussy shots, really, really up close.

Imagine all the porn pictures you have seen and try to duplicate them. If you haven't seen any, find them. They're all over the internet and free. I did some of her by herself with fingers touching, simulating masturbation, outside, inside.

When I finally had enough good pictures, I loaded them onto the computer and made a slide show movie. I believe most computers do this automatically. I edited them so as to tell a little story, and there you have it.

It's such an incredible high, and the appreciation received will supersede any uncomfortable feelings you may have, for it may feel scary in the beginning, embarrassing, weird. For me it was quite frightening at first. I felt ill at ease, vulnerable, and sharing it with him felt strange, but each time it became easier, and now I love doing it. I love seeing myself up there on the computer screen, imagining my man looking, lusting.

So any discomfort you may feel will pass, especially when you see how much it turns him on. Or you may just take to it right away. Either way have fun with it. You may very well discover that it turns you on as well.

fun sex tip

2008-12-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

As scary or maybe even icky as this might sound, ask to share his porn with him. Watch him. Watch what he does. As he becomes aroused, if you start to feel strange, fearful, anything that feels uncomfortable, do whatever you can to calm yourself.

Breathe. Do a quick meditation. Whatever it takes to keep you in the moment. You might be surprised at how aroused you may become. You may find it fun.

Now try this. While you are watching him look at whatever it is he looks at, start to masturbate with him. Occasionally reach over and wipe up some of the clear fluid that comes out of his penis to use as your own lubricant.

He will be very turned on by all of this. Come for him. Climb on top of him. The porn will be forgotten by this time.

looking at porn together can be good for you

2008-12-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

Everyone is different, and not all individuals or couples respond to porn in the same way. Not all porn is used as a substitute or a fantasy whether it be images or words, and comparisons are not necessarily being made.

I have learned that for my guy and surely other men as well with their partners, porn only stokes the fires of his passions for me, or sometimes it's an amusement, as a tease to be reignited at another time.

Who doesn't enjoy being aroused after all? He uses porn as a tool to arouse himself for me, not for use as an empty evacuation or ejaculation, rarely that is. The images are objects of arousal, not figures of desire.

Men like my man have a wonderful way of being attracted to nearly any image of a naked woman and not desire them. There is a clear difference in their minds and hearts between momentary eroticism in a picture or even a woman passing on the street or even a stripper in the flesh and the full bodied response, heart and soul included, they have for their beloved.

Porn for this kind of man creates a direct connection between eyeballs and penis. There is no stopping along the way. When he see me on the other hand there is, the brain, the heart. A difference of which he's well aware.

This is something most women cannot fathom. We may or may not fantasize about images we see or words we read, but we can imagine, feel sometimes all sensations, touch, smell, taste even, as if we are there, and we can create fantastic scenarios. For most men this is not true.

For me now that have mostly healed from my deeper stuff and mostly reconciled myself with porn, I now share it with my man or look at it alone, and it can be arousing and fun, yet what could possibly be better than sex with my man? The real thing could never compare to a two-dimensional unreal image, and I know he feels the same.

Sex has never been boring with us; it keeps getting better and better in fact. Much has to do with me letting my stuff go and opening up in all ways, body, mind, heart, and spirit.

I have also found that men take our lead in this. They find something through our hearts for which there is not one word. It's aspects of the following; love, a balance, an ease, peace, harmony, joy, and more. It's not that they can't find these things without us; they can, yet in a loving union, it's such a wonderful and maybe richer way to do so.

But it works both ways. The more we open to them, the more they will open to us, and the deeper we can go. What a lovely symbiosis.

Maybe we're both lucky in what we have with each other, for he is my brand of white knight in shining armor, and I am his loving hussy slut ho.

am I not enough?

2008-12-04T11:43:00.000-08:00

I'm not pretty enough. I'm not sexy enough. I'm not (fill in the blank) enough. I'm not enough. Sound familiar?

We all have at one time or another encountered this, more so those who as children did not receive encouragement, support, or love. The voices can be loud, loud enough as to paralyze or certainly impede movement forward whether it be something as simple as a daily task or something as challenging as spiritual growth.

I'm here to tell you that the voices lie. They ALWAYS lie, and it is possible to quiet them. You CAN come to know and own that you are, have always been, and will always be enough, perfect just as you are. That's not to say there isn't room to expand your horizons; there's always a place for trying new things, blossoming bigger, learning to feel better, feel awesome even and most of the time.

How? It's not so much in the doing though acting for yourself will play a role. It's mostly about reprogramming destructive thought patterns, rewiring neural connections so that you can transform from a frightened being, for that is where all this not good enough stuff comes from, fear, to one of power and love. Its also about changing your feelings and opening your heart.

A good place to start is in the little things. It's also being patient with yourself, and most importantly being gentle with yourself, Make a list of all the things you like about yourself even if only a little, from your physical attributes to your talents to your qualities as a human. Look at this list every day, more than once if necessary. Keep telling yourself that everything you wrote is true no matter how much that other lying part of you protests. The more you say it, the more you will believe it.

Every time you pass a mirror, stop and give yourself a big smile. Focus only on the parts you do like if only a little. Ignore the rest, for truthfully others do not see you in bits and pieces anyway. What people see is you as a whole package, mind and spirit included.

Tell yourself that you are beautiful, that you love yourself. You will come to believe yourself about this too. Make a list of all your wants. Write them as choices, as if they already are a reality, in feeling terms. For example, I choose to feel sexy, and I love feeling sexy. I choose to feel calm when my mother or whomever nags at me, and I love feeling calm. I choose to be well read, and I love to talk about what I've learned, and so on. If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Do at least one nice thing for yourself everyday, something that feels good, eg. a hot bubble bath with a glass of wine tubside or curling up with a good book or movie, whatever feels good to you. Be a devilishy bad girl, and have fun doing it.

If you ruffle a few feathers, so be it. It will feel so good to you being true to yourself rather than trying to please others, and you know what, you will find that others will respect you more, and they may very well feel more comfortable with you for being you, authentic. As long as you're not physically harming anyone else, if it feels good then it's good for you.

When the negative voices start to push their way in, gently push them away over and over again. In time they will give up or at least fade to an almost indistinguishable whisper far in the background.

Another parting suggestion is to feel whatever it is you feel, all of it, even if you perceive it as a bad feeling. This is okay, for repressing or suppressing any feeling will only add to your feelings of not being enough, pain. So allow all feelings to flow through you. They will morph. Observe them, feel them completely, and let them go. Another feeling will arise. In time, little by little, baby step by baby step, you can and will feel better, about yourself, about life.

I've been there, fallen into the depths of the deepest abyss, in despair, full of, "I'm just not enough in any way," but there was a little glimmer of hope, so with this desire, a dash of determination, and a large dose of dedication, I healed. I know now that I'm more than plenty, and I feel really, really good, loving, lovely, sensuous, goddess like. Sure I waver here and there, and so may you, but know it will lessen to feeling like a ripple not the tsunami it once was.

Sure it will feel scary, especially at first, but the fear does fade. It really, really does. You too can heal. You really, really can.

love

2008-10-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

I surrender my body and my heart to be breathed open by the love that yearns in my heart. I must relax my body, especially the most sensitive parts, the places that hold fear. I breathe love energy in and out of every part, so my tension can ease open and love can flow more freely through me.

As my body softens, my heart can open and feel the openness of this moment which is love. As I lovingly melt my body and my heart open, I can practice breathing outward from my heart to feel him, his shape, his suffering, his joy. The more I can open in trust and offer my light through the yearning of my love, the more he will want to enter me and merge with my glorious, devotional surrender.

His presence may waver as may my offering of love's energy. I can practice offering my body and my heart, opening them to flow with pleasure, offering love's yearning. I can look deep into his eyes and feel the deep part of his heart I do trust and love.

I can practice, moment by moment, the art of breathing love and trusting open as if surrendering to sexual ravishment, breathing love's fullness as if on the verge of an intense and loving orgasm. I can offer the depth of my love right now, moving like a woman whose womb is full with pleasure, gliding with love.

Even when I'm fearful, even when the pain and yearning feel overwhelming, even when my heart feels wounded, I can still practice opening my body and my heart as an offering.

When my eyes are soft with love's yearning, when my voice resonates love's pleasure, when my body moves like a dancer in ecstasy, when my expressions reflect love's depths, he will be inspired, as I fill his life with light like an infinitely blossoming flower.

While making love, my surrendered yearning draws him deeply into my body and my heart. he can enter me fully, into my love, and he can guide my surrender, as he dissolves with me, opening as one love.

My heart can offer a devotional surrender and openness so inviting that he has no choice but to come to full presence. His fully present masculine heart can claim me so deeply that I have no choice but to open and surrender to love's bliss, larger than I could alone.

To deny him love is to deny opening to my deepest heart yearning. Love is my discipline, and it is not always easy. living open as love will attract his willingness to open and feel in mutual worship.

men and other women

2008-10-23T14:39:00.000-07:00

8/12/2008
I found this forum way back around the time I first found K's looking. I reread it all last week and found it fascinating as to how different was my reaction and feelings.

There are a wide variety of responses/reactions, many such as I felt and you feel at times as well as male reactions though keep in mind every man is different, some being the dogs they have the reputation of having, but I don't think there were any really disturbing entries.

I found it helpful then, and I find it so now. If you like erotic literature, they have reasonably good stories though I have long since tired of them. They tend to get repetitive and many deal with cheating which I find very unsexy, upsetting.

There are links to sites for pictures as a good starting point for you to find things you like. I warn you that at first it may feel weird, uncomfortable, even disturbing, for most women are not used to this or this kind of behavior, but if you can stay relaxed and keep an open mind, you will find things that arouse you.

I advise you not to censor yourself. If you like rape or submission scenes, so be it. It's actually a very common woman fantasy. Most sites have links to even more sites, so you will quickly find things to check out.

Now if you can only own for yourself, and I have, mostly, that pictures for men are so not real to them to the point of almost not being registered as a person in their heads. They are objects of arousal, not figures of love and passion which is what we are to our men.

A picture or even a live woman for that matter is a momentary buzz, and it's just as quickly gone. They are wired that way, to be aroused by almost any woman, but they know the difference between that and the full bodied response they experience when they see or are with the woman they love, the one with whom they want more than anything to share their minds, bodies, and souls.

If you let them in, they will come so gratefully (no pun intended) with arms open wide. There is a clear distinction in the same hard wiring between attraction and attraction attraction.

Any man worth anything doesn't even have to fight the sexual urges when it involves another, for the urge is not directed at her but at us. She the whatever other woman who happens to cross his path, arouses him without connection in any way whatsoever. This arousal he stores, and it can build throughout the day or several days, and he wants to bring it to us if we are open and allow it,

Hugs and kisses, D.

on (the) edge

2008-10-23T14:24:00.001-07:00

July, 2008
Do you respect me? Do you care about how I feel?

I've been asking for your help, and you've been wonderful, seemingly open and honest and generous. This has felt really, really good.

I also made a small request, to not look when I'm right here in the other room or outside, a tiny concession considering all of this I've done and continue to do.

You said it would not be a problem. I was already reduced to behavior a couple of weeks ago that I abhor (snooping) which felt bad enough, but to have my suspicions confirmed made me feel so bad, confused, and upset.

You said in defense that you thought it was no big deal now that this door has been opened, so then why hide it and then lie about it? You said that it was just a white lie and though it did not feel as such to me and still doesn't, I let all of this go because I realize that this is new for you too, and maybe you were unsure as to how I would react. Maybe you were testing me to see if I was checking up on you.

But I have this nagging feeling from the other day that won't leave me, and I hate feeling it. I don't want to think that you would go back on your word and then lie to me again about it. Do you have anything you want to say to me?

This is what I wanted to say. I'm happy I didn't.

this is almost now

2008-10-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

July 2008
It feels awful being me sometimes. My little brain gets in my way. It lies to me. It creates monsters from little things or out of nothing at all. Learning to quiet the voices, learning to let go has not been easy. It's still an effort, and I'm still learning.

I've been working so hard for almost three years, harder than ever, and it has felt horrible, ugly, and painful. It has felt as though my deepest stuff was tapped into, opening up thick, black ickyness. There have been times of such despair I felt like giving up, but there have also been some lovely moments which have kept me going.

What pushed me onto this part of my journey has been challenging all by itself. It has haunted me, been on my mind constantly from whispers in the background to full on screaming. I have felt trapped in a prison of my own creation where I've struggled with it and suffered over it. What little respite there has been has been found in sleep, for curiously I never once dreamed about it.

I tried everything conceivable from ignoring it to pretending it's not there to fighting it to torturing myself with it. None of these tactics worked for very long. I felt that the only option left aside from leaving was to come directly to you, talk with you, ask you questions, and open the door to sharing it with you, but this has meant turning some of my belief systems upside down and inside out, changing almost everything I have felt about it.

All of this that I've been doing feels huge. It is huge. Maybe I'm discovering a part of me I didn't know was there which could be really nice, but I can't say I feel secure in it all. I feel unsure about it all. I still feel conflicted, and I don't think I'll ever feel okay with you looking at pictures when I'm right here, in the other room, or outside in the garden. This just doesn't feel good at all.

a faltering

2008-10-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

July, 2008
I've been feeling upset. I don't want to feel upset. This is all so new, and I'm having conflicting feelings about it. Part of me is aroused by it, especially thinking of us doing it together. I want to do that again.

Another part of me is upset by it, especially thinking about you doing it by yourself even though I know you save it, your orgasms, for me. I'm finding myself thinking about it all the time again.

You told me along time ago that you don't do it when I'm around. Now I'm wondering if that's changed. The thought of you doing it when I'm in the other room feels icky.

the beginning of the end

2008-10-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

July, 2008
I have a problem. Can you help me please?
There's this big, white elephant that sits in this room a great deal of the time, for a long time now.

I've tried ignoring him, but he talks to me, tells me fantastic stories. I've tried pretending he's not there, but he sneaks up behind me and grabs me, squeezes me so hard I almost can't breathe.

I've tried fighting him, but sooner or later he pins me down, and I feel helpless before him, especially since he's been hurting me so much.

I want to ask you to show me what you look at. Show me what you do. In order for me to understand something, for example human nature, behaviors, I need to feel it, feel how it is to want to do things, behave a certain way, feel how it is for the person.

Ignoring it or pretending it doesn't exist doesn't work for me, for it simply creeps back to haunt me, makes me feel bad, causes me to close my heart, disconnect, and this is dangerous for an intimate relationship.

Putting up with it without the understanding is also a bad idea, for bad feelings of another sort can and usually do accrue, resentment, anger, hatred.

I've had brief glimpses of how it might be for him when he looks and though I know it's not at all how I've imagined it, especially when I feel low, it's still not been enough for me to integrate, own, and I still haven't understood, so the glimpses haven't lasted long, haven't been deeply felt.

Many people have told me many things, him included, and all of it has helped, but it wasn't getting me to feel it. Sharing it with him implanted it deeply within me. I felt, saw, touched, played with the whole thing with him and shared what turned out to be a highly erotic, fun, sexual experience.

Some of the old feelings are still there out of habit I suppose since they've been with me for three years, but they merely whisper ever so softly and only every now and then. I trust though that they will soon fade away to nothing.

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2008-10-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

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honesty

2008-10-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

Honesty is perception. Another person's perception may have little resemblance to my truth or any truth, for truth is again perception, and perception is colored by one's life experiences and what is going on within a person at any given moment, spiritually and/or emotionally.

It's not to say that a person's input means nothing. People say things for a reason. It is their perception, so do take a hard look at whatever anyone says, for it may not be completely accurate, but it often if not always will hold at least a grain of truth, my truth.

healing

2008-10-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

It's all a process. Healing is hard. It takes a great deal of courage and strength. Most people avoid it because it's too painful, too difficult if they are even aware they need to heal. You must face the things buried deeply inside, resolve them, put them to rest so healing can take place.

The universe is infinitely patient. She will keep giving you your lessons over and over again until you deal with it, get it, or not, and She will still keep hitting you over the head with it until it's healed. You don't necessarily have to know what are the emotions that arise. They don't always have a name, but you can open to them fully, send them love, integrate them.

They often just melt away when love is radiated to them. Fear is the opposite of love. You may be able to feel sadness and love at the same time, but fear and love just can't be there together. We can intend that it be love, most of the time. I hope for that.

"What you bring forth out of yourself from the inside will save you. What you do not bring forth out of yourself from the inside will destroy you."
Gospel of Thomas

Butterfly, flutterby, floating by,
Where are you going? Tell me why?
Peacefully soaring, gently soft,
Light and airy, effortlessly aloft.
Translucent wings, edged in ebon,
Lemon and gold, silver and saffron.
Do you own the key to love and life?
Unaware of pain, hurt, and strife?
Do you feel the fear of fragility?
Loss, grief, vulnerability?
Beautiful, open; you seem so free.
My heart as yours, this I wish for me.

Each being is unique and on a unique path. We all learn in our own way and at our own pace. We can give our gifts of advice, care, love, or passion to a loved one, but then with love it must be released along with our expectations of them and their choices.

Our relationships are mirrors that allow us to see ourselves more clearly if we look honestly at our reflection in them. We can learn so much from them if we are willing to look deep inside with love and compassion and understand why we are being irritated or hurt by their actions.

We have the power to be like an oyster and transform the irritations and the hurts into pearls. With these pearls of wisdom, we can learn to release the desire for control and instead enrich their lives as we enrich our own. Trust the universe.
Create magic. Create love.

the more

2008-10-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

I want him to feel me without the separation I've always had, long before him. I'm not able to always stay open, not yet, for I still feel the pressure in my chest around my heart and in my solar plexus, and it's frustrating. I still feel fear, but I also know the deeper I dig, physically and emotionally, the more the deep inner residual fears emerge, then I can let them go. The more I can stay in love and trust, the more I will find my peace, and there he will be. The more I can open my heart and let him into me and my essence, my love, the more I can feel and be love. I know I"m powerful. I know I can create my own reality. I'm filled with hope.

more heart to heart

2008-10-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

Whenever there is a significant opening in me physically, especially in my back around the heart, I feel flooded with fear. At these times, I feel as though I flinch in response to every little thing. The fears fill my dreams, indifference, neglect, abandonment.

Recently I feel like I sense things from you, but I don't know anymore if it's me. It seems as though you are a little withdrawn, or is it me who is withdrawn? It seems as though you are wary of me, or is it me who is wary? It seems as though you are a little unhappy, or is it me who is unhappy? It seems as though you arr are a little sad, or is it me who is sad? It seems as though you are a little distracted, or is it me who is distracted? It seems as though you are a little angry, or is it me who is angry?

I can't tell the difference. Maybe I never could. I feel confused. I don't like feeling these things. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm afraid you are tiring of it. I'm afraid you are going to abandon me.

This stuff keeps coming up. I'm afraid of it, but I welcome it too. I want to get it out, release it. It feels like I'm at the heart of all of this, and this piece is resistant and resilient, a piece I likely put in place with good reason. It was necessary for my survival then and for a long time hence. I want to believe I don't need this piece anymore, but apparently not all of me is convinced, for that piece still clings for dear life. It's afraid. I'm afraid, to let go.

I can't stop this process. I don't want to. As horrible as it feels sometimes, I feel some of those fingers that hang on so desperately are losing and have even lost some of their hold. I want that piece to be freed. I want my heart to be free. I don't want any more limitations or conditions on her.

She wants so much to love fully, completely, without fear, open and vulnerable, pure. I feel it sometimes, and it's sweet, yummy, sensuous, and wonderful. I love it. I want to feel your love, you fully, completely, without fear, open and vulnerable, pure. I feel it sometimes, and it's sweet, lusty, luscious, passionate, and wonderful. I love it I love you.

the answer

2008-10-20T17:27:00.001-07:00

What makes you special to him is that you are you. No other woman on the planet, real or imaginary, is you. And men want "The One" just like we do.

You are "The One". If you don't believe that, then you must talk yourself into it because he would not be there if you weren't. You give him the whole package; you fill his heart; it is as intense and powerful an attachment as you can imagine for you. Perhaps even more.

This is what men give up their freedom for. Or their idea of freedom. If looking at pictures is a small gesture of the freedom men give up to have the deep connection of the whole package they crave, can you accept that? No one except K and then only with a great deal of self-study can answer why he in particular likes to look at pictures of naked women. And yet it is so common, so pervasive in out culture, it hardly seems like a unique fetish.

I wonder if you can't live with it, would you find something else to obsess about? If not then you can only keep doing what you are doing, working on yourself and the energy and stress you are putting out into the relationship. Looking at pictures has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing except for the stress you are putting our energetically. You cannot go anywhere with this if you can't square this idea with yourself, that his looking at other women has absolutely nothing to do with you being enough for him.

You have to realize that you have chosen a man who triggers you constantly and stresses you out. You can either stop obsessing here and now with this issue by working on yourself and simultaneously discussing it openly with him and doing everything in your power to reduce your stress, to calm and soothe yourself, to convince yourself that his looking has absolutely nothing to do with you. He is not interested in those other women.

On the other hand if his habit is so absolutely unacceptable to you, then you have to talk with him, negotiate. It's your feeling so helpless in the face of this that's causing you so much stress. Please turn this from his problem to your problem. His problem is not about you. Your problem is not about him. You have to see this more dispassionately and more clinically. He is not trying to hurt you.

reminders

2008-10-16T12:56:00.000-07:00

5/17/2008
When I feel bad, when my thoughts turn to the negative, when they dwell on and obsess about his possible thoughts, when they insist on making me feel small and insignificant, inconsequential, not enough in any way, when they push me off my tiny stand of confidence and self-esteem, when they denigrate and deride me, when I allow then to take me over, I have to remember that those voices LIE.

Whatever is the truth, it has little if any resemblance to those lying voices. Those nasty voices keep my walls in place, and they can become loud and strident whenever I break through.

It's fear. It's a form of protection. To open wide, to release completely into vulnerability is the most frightening thing I will ever do, and my instincts scream in protest. Those screams become the lying voices. I have to push them away, ignore them with everything I have.

The feelings are very real. The feelings must be felt, the anger, the sadness, the grief, the fear are all real. I need to sink into those feelings, feel them, and allow them to pass. Feel the anger. It will pass. Feel the sadness. It will pass. Feel the grief. It will pass. Feel the fear. It too will pass.

Relax as best as I can. Open my heart as much as it will at any given moment. Smile, to my heart, to my entire being. Feel more deeply. Embrace it all; integrate it all. They are all my friends. Hold them. Love them. Relax even more if possible. Open even more if I can.

Imagine something beautiful, anything that feels good, an exquisite sunset, a star-filled night sky, a big full moon, a garden full of smiling flowers, ladybugs, swans, butterflies, faeries, a dear friend. Imagine it all, the colors, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, the little details. Make it as real as possible.

I love to imagine my beloved, love bursting from his heart, his sweet face, his radiant smile. I see him take my face into his beautiful hands and kiss me deeply, adoringly, lovingly, sweetly, tenderly. I feel him caress me all over, his hands on my breasts, my belly, my thighs, my sex. I smell his special smell buried in his neck, behind his ears. I feel the anticipation, the excitement, the love, the passion, all of it.

Know that this is the true reality. The Voices may be resilient and resistant, but I am stronger than they.

more men - women

2008-10-16T11:40:00.001-07:00

A man does not care a fig about the looks of the one he loves. Once you qualify as good enough, that's all he needs. What he wants is your essence, to feel it in his daily life. Your feelings are his connection to feeling energy. The more your are in your head, the farther you get from your body, your feelings. The further you are in your head, the more tension is created in the relationship.

About sex. Men and women are very different. What turns one person on is often different from what turns another person on. Women tend to find romance and intrigue erotic, and men tend to find the raunchy, ribald, crude, lascivious, and kinky to be erotic. Its hard for us to understand if we are repelled by what arouses them.

If you felt wonderful about yourself and who you are, would it bother you that he has eyes for any woman he finds attractive or sexy, but his heart belongs only to you? What if there is no such thing as a man who has eyes for only one woman though his heart may truly belong to only one woman? What if all men are aroused by many, many women they see in magazines and on the street, but that feeling does not travel to their hearts and souls?

Since you are not used to a man who is so good and giving, what if what you want here in terms of the level of possession of his body is impossible? What if you cannot have his or any man's complete and undivided attention 100% of the time? What if that weren't a good thing?

What if you were to let go of the fear of losing him and let him be who he is which is a man, like all men, who enjoy looking at different women? What if this is the human condition? What if you have an impossible, unrealistic standard? What if you're wrong about a great many things? What if you're right? Does it matter?

Is he entitled to look as much as he wants as long as he's careful of your feelings and his heart and body belong firmly and forever to you? Would it make a difference if every man in the world is like this? Would you then choose not to be with a man?

Are you certain that you are not aroused or esthetically pleased when you see a man in a picture, on a movie screen, or on the street that for a flickering moment you find attractive? Does this affect your feelings for him?

You can only become so comfortable with yourself and the full variety of sexual response and possibilities that you can embrace him as he is though he is neither perfect or manageable by you.

The confusion you are feeling is about your core beliefs, values, and a complete upending of what you know to be true. Please do not expect this to pass quickly. There is a whole new world out there for you to discover, explore, accept, or refuse, and there are whole new parts of yourself that are coming up or re-examination.

What a wonderful journey you are on, and K seems to me to have created the perfect situation for deepening the possibilities of an intimate relationship for you. Whether or not you wish to accept this challenge is up to you!

I hate how I feel

2008-10-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

I feel so inadequate, so in despair. I hate feeling like I'm a victim of my negative thoughts, trapped by my fears, rendered immobile by old habits.

I work so hard to release and let go, yet it seems endless, and when I feel inundated with bad thoughts of my own creation, thoughts that may have a grain of truth, I feel like I've come nowhere, that I'll never reach a place where I feel peace mostly and love always.

I wanted to feel, and now that I'm no longer numb, I'm in pain most of the time though there was pain in numbness too, of a different sort. I barely feel love at all, and this is so devastating. When I feel it, it feels amazing. I want to roll in it, bathe in it, taste it, swallow it, immerse my body, mind, heart, and spirit in it.

Why is it so tenuous? Why does it go away? Why am I seemingly so afraid of it? I want those ancient tears to flow, wash me clean. I want the ache in my heart to release. I want to feel my heart open, relaxed, vulnerable, free, bursting with sweet, exquisite love, radiating from me to him, him to me, through us to the universe.

So much has been opening, unveiling to free,
My heart, at times, torn to pieces carelessly.
Survival has forced me to hold on tight.
No longer needed, that life of fierce fight?

The walls are crumbling, falling away.
Feelings flow through me, some yet held at bay.
It's scary. It's awesome, wonderful, and new.
To unearth what has been buried, to feel you.

This woman of love, in dreams she came to me,
Asking me to create into reality,
All I wish for, peace and love so free,
A golden man of my heart, for all eternity.

It's all so daunting, here for the taking.
I wonder if I sleep, or am I awaking.
My eyes wide open, heart and soul trail behind,
Reaching to embrace life's mysteries in kind.

I love to feel your hands on me as they touch.
I love to hear you say words of love so much.
I love to see your look of lust and devotion.
I love to feel our passionate emotion.

I ache to revel, hesitate with fear unnamed.
I want to lose control, in love untold, untamed.
I want to go further, to the deepest of the deeps,
Intimate truth, soulful love, always for keeps.

I want to expose completely, share my all with you.
I want to feel your soul, embrace mine so true.
I offer you my love, through sunshine and in storm.
I offer you my heart, to have, to hold, full and warm.

healing

2008-10-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

Healing is not dependent on curing or removing a problem but on making it meaningful, finding its gift and the nourishment it can bring.

Pain is a powerful presence. Sometimes this ally gently leaves as it is incorporated into a compassionate heart. Sometimes its continued presence is preferable when the recognition arises that it is trying to give a message, a push to acknowledge and work to release pieces within which are no longer needed.

Suffering is a resistance to and denial of these pieces and the pain they bring. There is no pain in the hurt but in the breaking down of the barriers to love that the hurt challenges us to do. Surrender to it. Surrender to self and self-love. Fall in love again and again in a never ending spiral of grief and joy.

some truths

2008-10-08T17:59:00.001-07:00

Old habits don't have to be erased. They just need to become replaced by a new habit that is more in vibrational harmony with who I am and what I want.

There is a thought in your mind right now. The longer you hold on to it, the more you dwell on it, the more life you will give to that thought. Give it enough life and it will become real. So make sure the thought is indeed a loving one.

Real love is identifiable by the way it makes you feel . Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling you with warmth and light. When you are truly loved, this love awakens love for self. True love empowers you with the message that you always have been and always will be love.

Fear can be created over and over again. So can love...Choose a new ending.

Love is not the opposite of fear. Love is not the opposite of anything. True love is far more powerful than any negative emotion. Yet this great ocean of love within is the environment from which all things arise to flow through and move on, be they beautiful or ugly, gentle or forceful, courageous or fearful, tiny or vast.

We are all made of love, every little bit, and we live our lives as one with love. It is an illusion that we can separate from love, for in this world of positive and negative, darkness and light, male and female, underlying our choices is always the choice to be conscious of what we are which is love. When we can make our choices with this awareness, we can be blissful and angry, joyful and sad, confident and scared, wise and playful, yet we will never be anything but what we are, LOVE.

BELIEVE IN MAGIC

Life changes in magical ways when the heart and the mind is open to the experience of what is. With acceptance, there is nothing to fight, and this creates a space for beauty and love to manifest and blossom. Unconditional love is unconditional acceptance which is healing.

Faith cannot occupy the same space as fear.

fear

2008-10-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

Fear is the feeling of mistrust. Fear is the heart's contraction that withdraws openness behind walls of protection. Anything less than a life of total loving is a life lived in fear. Fear is the refusal to open as love.

I want to trust with all that I be.
I want to open to you fully.

I want to feel you deep within me,
Our yearning hearts so completely.

Devotionally bared I wish to surrender,
To enter me, feel me, sweet and tender.

Fill me with your loving presence.
Take us beyond our spirits' remembrance.

Where two souls, as one, immersed enhance,
A blissful love with divine resonance.

even more meditation

2008-10-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

Breathe low, deep into my pelvis. Relax. Relax. Melt. Melt.
Imagine his energy coming at me. Receive. Receive.
Open my chest. Allow all the icky stuff to waft out. Release. Release.
Let it go. Let it float away. Drop all thoughts, and just feel.

Imagine the air, the sun, the moon touching me, caressing me, bathing me with sensuousness. Allow my heart to expand. Feel even more deeply. Expand inward. Expand outward.
Melt. Breathe. Relax. Melt.

Stay far away from, "What is he thinking or what is he doing." It's poison. Follow my feelings in the moment, in every moment. Feel all my feelings. Be with them. embrace them. Move onto the next feeling.

The voices lie. Always. Ignore them. Push them aside. What feels bad are lies. Follow what feels good. Gently turn to what feels good, again and again. Build happy memories. Feel their energy. Feel the energy of love coming into me. Breathe deeply into my heart. Feel the connection.

Allow my future to pull on me. If I can imagine it, I can create it. I can change my thoughts. I can transform my feelings. I can create a new reality.

Letting go is a moment by moment process. Trust. Hope transforms into faith. Walk into the sunset of golden pink light, warm and vibrant. I surrender. I am Angel Goddess.

more meditaton

2008-10-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

ACCEPTANCE=LOVE

If I cannot accept him, I do not love him. I am choosing to feel hurt, yet the more I share, the more fears arise. Staying in fear keeps me from going deeper.

He's plenty committed, and I know it. I must let myself feel the fear and then let it go. Move on to the positive. Shift my thoughts, my awareness, my heart and spirit to the beautiful moments of which there are so very many, the love the adoration, the the affection, the laughter, the passion, the closeness, the connectedness, the orgasms, the sharing.

Breathe. Relax. Melt. Send golden pink light to my heart to calm and soothe it. Love it. I know he adores me. I must keep this close always. It's strengthening my self-love and self-confidence button of "I'm enough on my own, and I'm more than plenty."

He shows up. He always shows up for me and for us. He accepts I'm healing. He loves me. Not the other stuff. I must stop torturing myself.

another heart to heart

2008-10-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

4/28/2007
I've been struggling for awhile now. It hurts. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've had periods of respite, sometimes long spells when I feel so good, so connected to you, when I feel so much love flowing between us, but then the clouds descend again.

I know what the trigger is, but I'm not sure what the deeper issue is, or maybe I do. I could guess that it's old father and/or mother issues, feelings of inadequacy, the emotional molestation I suffered, not feeling loved.

It could be that all I've known of love or what was called love was pain, conditions, strings attached, so when presented with the real thing, you, it feels so good; I revel in it, but maybe my subconscious can't handle it for too long. It's too unfamiliar, or it thinks it's bound to be taken away; I'm going to be abandoned anyway, so it creates pain which is the known as horrible as it feels. Or maybe it's something else.

It's still the porn. I still obsess. I still feel badly around it. I want to understand, but I don't. I want to believe that you are wired differently as a man than me as a woman, for I emotionally connect to a picture. I imagine a whole scene all senses included all in a split second. I'm told it's not at all like that for a man. I want to believe it's a harmless habit born from whatever reasons. I want to believe that it has nothing to do with me, that it might even enhance our sex life, but I can't seem to get there.

When you kiss on me, hug on me, touch me, fondle me, admire me, become aroused by me and what I do sexually or otherwise, I love it so much, but a small piece of me thinks for example any breasts would turn you on, so mine aren't anything special, yet I know I'm special and special to you.

When I think you are home alone, sometimes, often, I feel anxious, worried whether you are looking at it or not, and when I come home, if I know you've been here, I feel fear and a sense of helplessness. If you haven't been here I feel relieved, but I also feel guilty for being like this.

I feel so confused. I've worked so hard on this, and I've come so far. I've grown so much. I've blossomed. I've released and let go of so much. Sometimes this is only a blip on my screen, but sometimes it's a big wave.

Either way it's still present. It hasn't gone away. I hate it. I hate the thoughts I have around it. I hate the monster I create around it likely having little resemblance to the truth of it. I sometimes feel like I want to disappear in the face of it. I wish it would go away. Yet I really, really want to let this go, but I also really, really want you to stop. I don't know what to do anymore.

uncomfortable truths

2008-10-06T16:56:00.000-07:00

3/1/2007
What's been the hardest is understanding and knowing and attempting to bring down to the deepest of my depths the fact that whatever K does or doesn't do has no bearing on his obvious intense feelings for me, his love and his lust for me. He's doing the very best he can in each moment. Even if he is looking, none of it takes away from me and our love.

What does take away from me and our love is my story around it, the one I make up and embellish on ad infinitum. This is what keeps me in pain and in misery, tense and unable to feel love, not his actions which I've likely invented anyway or at least blown up out of proportion to something not all resembling reality.

So it's not he who is taking away from us. It's not he who is trashing our love. It's not he who is disregarding my feelings. It's me who is taking away from us by staying in my drama and thus pain and numb to love. It's me who is trashing our love, his love for me, for the same reasons. It's me who is disregarding his feelings, his feelings for me. Its me who is keeping him at arm's length because I'm terrified of fully opening to him, trusting him with my heart and with good reason from the past but not the present.

Irregardless, these are old reactions to a reality that was, not is. I realize that my deep down instincts don't really know that, and it may take more time, and again this is where I have trouble, being gentle and patient with myself.

As everything shifts and changes, physically too, for the physical is directly related to the emotional, the parts that were so hurt and damaged way back when will kick and scream, fight to maintain the status quo, the familiar, a misperceived safety, and for me it's enormously frustrating and very uncomfortable, emotionally sure, but right now physically the muscles around my heart (it's so amazingly literal) keep clenching, tightening down around it to protect against a danger that no longer exists, but instincts are resilient in their fragility.

It's so uncomfortable. Sometimes I can't breathe. It's so hard to have love and patience with it all, especially when there is a fist gripping my heart to keep it safe, yet I don't feel safe at all anymore. It hurts and keeps me from feeling wonderful and having a filling and fulfilling love.

more work

2008-10-06T16:51:00.001-07:00

I've been so focused on getting myself back to a semblance of myself so that I can work some on the relationship. We've been at a crossroads for a long time, he's right. But it's not an independent or dependent thing. It's not a question of being too concerned with stuff or what he thinks, yet it's all of that.

What it comes to is that I have never been able to relax enough around any relationship, to be authentic to myself, to be me in all my flaws and all my love and all my pain. I have never been able to love because of this, and it comes from my fears, my insecurities. It's what I've always wanted, and now I'm being challenged to be the vessel of love I have dreamed of.

Yes I'm still bruised and hurting at times, but it's an avoidance really. It keeps me from doing the real work. It keeps me from loving. It keeps me from love. I guess it must be very scary, but it's so uncomfortable being in that place where I question and doubt and imagine bad things and put an evil face on the one I want to love. I've had glimpses of another place where I can feel love and warmth and good yummy things flow through me, down my front, into my core self, and back up into my heart, and I feel good.

I am to separate his business from mine. I think I now know what he meant when he said I was being invasive and too concerned with what he thought. It's that I'm constantly analyzing, wondering, worrying, trying to solve problems that may not even be there. Whenever the questions and doubts arise, I need to transform them into soft, pink D thoughts and feelings. What is it that I feel? Do I feel nice, good, happy, turned on, excited, safe, warm? Do I feel sad, awful, icky, worried, confused, tense, terrible, frustrated? Am I having bad thoughts?

I must write if I cannot speak about why I feel it, memories it brings up if it does, and then I need to go to a lovely place and transform my negative state. I must go to a place where I feel good, a fantasy place, a place of transformation.

So how do I shift this relationship, start being more authentic? I need to start being true to me, warm and fuzzies and not so warm and fuzzies. I need to speak my feelings to him. How do I speak to him so that he hears me? I tell him how I feel, no elaboration or excuses or apologies, no reason why.

desire - dedication - determination

thoughts for a friend/reminders for me

2008-10-06T16:39:00.001-07:00

March 1, 2007
He is the love of my life. I am the love of his life. Pornography has been the only issue to have interfered with our relationship, that has kept me from falling completely, melting utterly, opening my heart fully to him and in turn he to me.

Yet this has compelled me to go down, so far down into myself to unearth, set free the dark demons I still held, ones I scarcely knew were there, so that I can be the vessel of pure love, angel goddess, a golden being of love and passion, the woman I have striven for and dreamed of becoming, that I may revel in and immerse myself in life and love, something and someone I wondered if I could taste let alone savor.

Yes porn has hurt me desperately. It has devastated me, shattered me into many pieces, turned my world upside down and inside out, but it has been a great gift. He has felt badly about my pain and that it was he who was the impetus. He doesn't want to hurt me and can't understand why this would as much as I can't undestand why he would continue knowing how I feel.

I am important to him. He cares how I feel, and he has asked me to trust him numerous times. He's telling me that his habit is of no threat to me whatsoever. He's an honorable, loving, compassionate man. What he does is meaningless, yet it's fun; it's maybe an escape; it keeps him in a state of arousal, something I like to be in most of the time too.

He doesn't want to let this go, so he doesn't. I must let it go, all of it, not just pieces of it, not just some of the time, all of the time. There is nothing to fear with it and with him. He's telling me this in so many ways and repeatedly.

I am afraid that I'm not good, not young enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, NOT ENOUGH, yet he has told me countless times how much I turn him on, how perfect my form is, how beautiful, how much he loves me, how much he loves our passion and our sex life which is abundant and so great and just keeps getting better, how pretty I am, how special I am to him, how sweet and fun and silly I am, how much we enjoy together, that he will always love my being, physically and otherwise. He shows me all of this over and over and over. He shows up for me and for us all the time.

His looking at porn, pictures of other naked women has nothing to do with me. I have fantasies too I suppose, vivid, detailed ones, most of which I would not want to bring to life and the ones I might, I wouldn't because I'm very much with him, loyal and faithful, strictly monogamous, so it wouldn't even be a consideration.

Men are visual. Porn has nothing to do with love. It's a physical reation to a visual cue. It's a purely instinctual, habitual, physical response that has absolutely NO emotional context. I know he looks at porn. I also know with everything I have that he is fiercely faithful to me, that he loves and adores , ME.

I don't know if he will always look. I don't know if the interest will wane as my energy around it fades to nothing, and none of it matters. I can't care. My pain surrounding it feeds the energy. I can't care. As long as our sex life doesn't change, as long as he's tender and wonderful to me as always, as long as he satisfies me, loves me, cares for me and about me, is attentive and adoring, cherishing, wants to be with me, spend time with me, why would I care.

The looking apparently enhances his longing for me, keeps him aroused and craving me. What I can care about is that he makes love to me, ME, often and with passion, tender care, adoration, variety, and imagination.

He has a firm grip on reality, likely more than I. He's very well aware of the difference between an air-brushed, photoshopped, two-dimensional image and his beautiful, sensual, sexual, loving lady, his woman, ME. He knows how lucky he is to have this woman, ME, angel goddess, as close to his perfect fantasy woman as he could have imagined and maybe even then some. He likes fantasy as do I, but he loves his real life so much more.

Apparently he rarely if ever anymore orgasms to those images. He'd much rather be with me, even just masturbating together. Alone is fun, and I do this far more than he, yet it's so much more fun together, shared. I'm sure he would agree. He has.

If anything ever changed, if our sex life was ever affected negatively, or if he looked for hours on end, if I felt his energy withdraw from me significantly for long periods, then I would worry in the same way I would worry about excessive drinking, pot smoking, or gambling.

I want to enjoy our love and our sexuality. This hurt I've been carrying really and truly has nothing to do with me. I love him. He loves me bunches and deeply, passionately, intimately. We have a very special and rare bond. It's to be treasured and nurtured.

This has been a deeply painful process, and through it I'm growing and blossoming. I'm digging down, so far down, tapping into very dark, murky, excruciating core issues. Porn triggered this in me, and ultimately I'm grateful. It's hard, but it's wonderful, amazing, releasing, liberating on all levels. I've learned, am still learning. I'm opening, am still opening, yet ingrained survival instincts though fragile are enormously resilient. I'm still moving into and allowing trust, trust in me, trust in him, trust in us, opening my heart to me, to life, to him, to us that I may love more fully, absolutely with passion and awe, compassion and XXXOOO.

process and the isness of porn

2008-10-06T16:33:00.001-07:00

January, 2007
I still carry some fear, some pain. I don't want it. It gets in the way. It keeps me from feeling what I want to feel. It keeps me from melting completely into myself, into you, into us. I want to let it all go, the porn issue too, that wound that seems to still open easily. I'm doing better with it, but it still comes up.

I want to feel I can tell you anything. Do you want me to come to you when this comes up, when anything comes up? Or do you want me to keep it to myself, work it through myself as best as I can?

I need to embrace everything I feel, including the awful images. I need to sink down into them and everything else too. I need to toss out the thoughts that lead to icky feelings. I cannot let them come back once I've embraced them and sunk in. I need to replace them with better thoughts and the feelings will then transform. Maybe I don't want what I think I want. Maybe I want what I actually have, which is wonderful.

D,
Interesting - in the last weeks I've gotten a bunch of e-mails from women about porn. It must be epidemic. I started thinking - this has been with us forever, porn, girlie pictures, and prostitution. Playboy and Penthouse have been acceptable magazines for men forever. So now we have the internet, and its pretty much no different from Penthouse.

So it seems to me, the only thing we girls can do about it is say - don't bring it in the house! And yet, as soon as we say that, we push away a bit of openness in the relationship, and we are, just by saying it, accepting it outside the home.

I think women are just different than men, and looking at girlie pictures is just not that big a deal. It's a different kind of worldview than we have. Addiction to anything is always an avoidance of something, fear based.
But a man who looks at a Penthouse when it shows up or porn on the internet when he has a free moment and sees a picture of a pretty woman on ANY site ANYWHERE, as long as he can stop after 5 minutes and get back to his work or what he was doing - I don't see a problem with that. I see it as an acceptance of a man for not only who he is with all his bugaboos and weirdnesses (just like he accepts us for what must be incomprehensible perspectives and emotions) but his plain old MALENESS.

And I almost see it as giving us license to feel, be, and express more of our FEMALENESS. Whether or not you want to "keep it out of the house" is a pretty darn acceptable house rule too and should be a problem for him to deal with. "Keep it out of your life" seems way too much for any relationship to bear, and I wold like to encourage you to keep going with your own work to where you can negotiate, share, talk with him, and come to a mid-point agreement that you both can live with.

Making this about your insecurities just talks yourself into it. Talking about what you "can't handle" is perhaps way too negative. Let's talk instead about what you "don't want around you, in your environment" and see if you can go from there.
Love, R

critucal truths

2008-10-06T16:23:00.001-07:00

January, 2006
The bottom line for him is not what's he's doing or not doing but the freedom he has to do what he wants and to be himself. Men and many women need to have the freedom to be unfaithful in their fantasies without fear of retribution or guilt.

That freedom regardless of what any man actually does or doesn't do with that freedom is one element that puts the juice in his relationship, you, and keeps everything flowing. He feels restricted at work, restricted by his other limitations, by his own demons, childhood issues. To experience you as an enhancing, freeing spirit in his life is an incalculable joy.

He would never, ever cheat on you for real, and he probably doesn't even do it in his mind (Men aren't that imaginative. They don't go off into fantasies like we do. They look at a picture of a woman, it's a quick buzz, then they see the sport's section, and that's the end of the woman.) When he looks at you it's a totally real experience. You want him to be with you which he does. The only limitations you have on him are in reality, and that's the limitation he not only can accept without tension, but it's the limitation he wants also for himself and for you.

Try to accept that he's a different animal. There's a complete difference between momentary eroticism in a picture for a man and the full bodied response he has to you in the flesh. What he wants to feel is that you know the picture is no competition; it only stokes the fires of his passion for you, and that's the kind of confidence he wants to see in you. Even if you don't feel it, you can think it, and then the feelings will follow.

He is very aware of what committment means, and if a masculine energy man needs to tell himself he's free at all times to choose you over and over again and that looking at pictures of other women helps him in that regard to not feel commanded by us, then that's a good thing.

And by not making a big deal about it, we are demonstrating self-esteem and self-love that we recognize these pictures are not real, that we rcognize that his fantasy life is not under our control, and we will not try to control it because we are confident in our power and committment and can let him be because we know he loves only us. This is a very powerful magnet for a masculine energy man.

I believe that the pornography is absolutely no issue at all judging from what you said. He was very non-defensive yet insisted on his own rights and boundaries to his own self, mind and fantasies included. He wants to make sure you are coming together a separate equals. He is standing firm for your relationship to have as few co-dependent elements as possible. He is strong enought to say basically, "Take me or leave me," and yet clearly he doesn't want you to leave him.

It is made absolutely clear by him and borne out by every man I've ever talked to or heard about that for men, sexual fantasies, pictures, etc. have NO emotional context. When we look at pictures or imagine things, there is an emotional, romantic imagery attached. We women imagine ourselves there and experience the emotional feelings.

Men don't work that way. It is purely an instinctual, habitual, physical response. When he looks at you however, he feels emotional context. It is completely separate for him, compartmentalized. He does not put you or the woman who passed on the street and he admired her breasts on even the same planet.

He is capable of looking at a strange woman's body and feeling slightly aroused and then turning to you, feeling love, and telling you he loves you without skipping a beat and without confusion in his mind or his heart. We women cannot even comptemplate this. You must accept this is so.

a meditation

2008-09-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

Imagine what his skin feels like. Imagine what he smells like. Imagine what his eyes on me feel like. Imagine what his hands on me feel like. Imagine what his embraces feel like.

Unzip my heart. Open it. Imagine his energy coming at me, coming into me, infusing me, permeating me. Let him in.

Even if I can't fully relax, it's okay. Feel him come to me, and let him in. Even if my heart wants to close, unzip it. Open it.

Lean back. Feel him. Feel his warmth. Let it all come into my heart and being. Let him touch my heart. Allow him to hold it in his hands. Allow his love and warmth to radiate.

random thoughts

2008-09-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why I continue to feel like this. Why do I keep conjuring these images? Why do I keep making up these scenarios of him lusting, masturbating? Why can I not stop myself from thinking that he wouldn't look if he felt whole in this relationship? Why do I still feel as if betrayed?

I realize that he didn't understand the power it had to hurt, but now he does, so why then does he still do it? Stubborness? Anger? Exertion of freedom and independence? Habit? He tells me that it has no more significance than playing his video game. He tells me that it's not a reflection on me whatsoever.

I don't understand. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm going to break into a million pieces. I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel so scared. I feel like I want to disappear, yet I feel so present. I feel so much ache and pain. I feel a band around my heart, yet when I can get it to release it feels so good, tenuous, a little daunting, a little frightening, yet it's nice. Is this the source of my uneasiness? To allow an opening and release is huge and wonderful, but it also leaves me feeling enormously vulnerable.

I'm so tired of writing about this. I'm so tired of these thoughts that plague me constantly. It keeps me from going more deeply into myself, more deeply with him. It protects me from harm, but it disallows the love I seek within and without.

I have a deep, disturbing relationship with porn. I don't really know why it triggers me so. It's never come up before. Am I so weird, naive? I feel like I'm part of a harem, yet I know this is ridiculous.

Is he normal? Am I? I have used many techniques to attack my obsession, meditations, deep body work, coaching, tantric sexual healing, acupuncture, so many tools I've learned.

I can choose to let it all go by sinking into the awful feelings when they come up, walking myself through them and back out into light. It's so hard. I must stop myself whenever I find myself trying to figure out where he is with it. I can choose each and every moment. I am the creator of my thoughts. I need to sink into my anxiety and release him from my mind.

I acknowledge my obsession, and I must take the gremlin out, the one that whispers into my ear, telling me awful lies. The gremlin is mean, ugly, seductive, yet I must put him in a corner along with the tape that loops inside my head. I must drop down as deeply as possible. I must feel my pain, feel the feelings, and then drop my energy down. Gently pull back the icky thoughts.

Every time the obsession takes hold, feel K giving me his love. He's told you you are important to him. He doesn't want to hurt you. It's all okay. It's all wonderful, beautiful. Receive all the time. Waves of love and devotion come from him all the time, flooding my being and my heart. He's cherishing me all he time. All the time!!! He's smiling at me, touching me, loving me all the time. All the time!!!

openness

2008-09-22T11:07:00.001-07:00

September 15, 2006

The goal of everything, all this work, is of course ultimately about you. About opening up to life, opening your heart and body. This is separate from K. You're not doing it for him; you're doing it for you. However the most important thing right now in your personal growth is the relationship. And specifically being open in the relationship - not just through your body but through your words. To get to the point in the relationship where you can communicate about anything you choose to share. And what you choose to share determines the depth of the relationship.

If you choose to share your deepest fantasies, then you will allow him to share his deepest fantasies. Not wanting to hear them, you'll not speak about yours. Keeping secrets is very tricky business. I do not share much about my inside life with my husband (I don't think he's ever expressed interest in or read a word of my books or anything I write.) but he's free to. I'm very aware what I don't want him to read or know about me is my choice to keep the relationship superficial. It's about the level of trust I have.

For you getting closure in the leering, salacious side of K that you are fixating on may be about going into that milieu and seeing and experiencing it for yourself. And yet it's not a book you read or a picture you saw or a fantasy you had - but an actual nighttime visit to a real place. If I stop into a porno shop or lingerie shop to buy myself a sex toy, I don't feel the need to tell my husband about it - we've done it together. But if I was concerned, and it bothered me to think of him going into such a place or renting a porn video or catching some girls gone wild on TV, then my visit would eat at me. It would fester and bother me. It would be a secret because we'd never had the discussions and the ease to talk about this part of our lives.

Essentially you are working on your internal reactions to something that is commonplace and acceptable to most people - looking at pictures of naked girls every once in awhile. This has to do with you and control and curiosity and all kinds of feelings you really want to get to and get familiar with and release their hold on you.

I just want you to look at things from his point of view. And to look at everything as an opportunity to deepen the relationship by talking rather than tip-toeing around things. I don't know how to tell you to do this, just to please be aware of your stress level, where the guilt comes in, how open you feel around K, how he's being, how you're talking with each other about stuff, whether or not he feels free to unburden himself to you, and how if you were him with the same sensitivities you have, he'd like you to be with him. I vote for communication as the most important thing on the plate here. This may take some thought, some writing, some really looking at him and the relationship, and how this all fits together.

You are brilliant and on the edge of something really incredible. What is keeping you from marriage is not your feelings of inadequacy, we all have those, but your fear of the depths of intimacy you could go without some of the secrets you still hold. I'm going to have to up the level of my life just to keep ahead of you. It's easy for me to talk - I'm inspired to take some more giant leaps so I can keep walking my talk.

Love, R

another breakthrough

2008-09-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

July,27 2006

Wow, is all I can say. This is like - amazing. Your letter is amazing - I will treasure it. Yes I believe him totally. Yes - believe him about everything. What happened in terms of your openness was not just about you - you're so sensitive to everything - you really were so much closer after that exchange - this is exactly what you want - you are beginning to be yourselves with each other and trust each other that who you are is who the other person loves.

And it's true - you do love who the other person really truly is, both of you. He truly, truly is into you in every way. This masturbation thing and the openness about it and the way this exchange went - you're fine with whatever he does as long as he takes care of you! - that's the crux of the whole relationship, right?!! - that is a good thing. Now he can share stuff about himself and not worry what you'll do.

He feels safe!!! This is so great. Please believe me - what you get when a man feels safe is soooooo much better than the control over his behavior you have to give up to get that feeling of safety. You'll begin to feel it too - and you guys are off to the races!

About the ickyness - just leftover stuff, just habit. Do what you've been doing, keep allowing, being, trusting, saying your feelings; let things roll and unfold. Just don't give energy to the icky stuff. Go in for a moment; feel it in your body, and then let it go through the beautiful garden of light and the love you really have between you.

The Gremlin will never, never go away forever. Just don't give energy to the Gremlin; keep expanding; keep being the sky and K and everything, and the Gremlin will get smaller and smaller in response, and you'll by annoyed by it less and less and live your life from a place of love and trust and better things to do with your thoughts than hand them over to the nasty Voice of the Gremlin!

Love, R

my ongoing path

2008-09-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

July 19, 2006

You brought him in as a way to challenge deeper issues - issues which your ex-husband had no ability to help you connect with - and as you are connecting with them, the need for the trigger is disappearing.

In co-dependency both people are so afraid to bring up their "stuff" and their feelings and their fear, they are hugely invested in the status quo. Any change of any kind is feared - by the mind! However - you've been going around the mind. By going into the body and your heart, you're making changes on an elemental level that are, because you two actually DO have a strong bond that is NOT co-dependent, of course prompting all kinds of adjustments in and for K - but they are pleasant! They feel good to him.

You're not going around demanding stuff and laying out boundarries with a heavy trowel - you're sinking in. So he's adjusting. He's dealing with his adjustments and his feelings and his fear - but what his mind and his fears were telling him is not what he's experiencing! He's experiencing (and so are you) that closeness that feels good! So the co-dependency is just sort of falling away.

letter to myself

2008-09-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

June 28, 2006
I cannot really know or understand how men are, how they work inside. I can accept and embrace them and their differences. They have an ability to disconnect, compartmentalize that most women do not, that most women would find incomprehensible. We connect emotionally to everything, especially women like me who are so sensitive, so sensory, so self-aware physically and emotionally and spiritually.

Recently I have become even more aware and able to touch surrounding energies, others and their feelings. I can feel a person even through a photograph. I can connect with a person's spirit instantly, and my instincts in this regard are quite accurate. This ability is mostly inconceivable to men. Their emotional connection lies with us. We facilitate this in them if we allow it within ourselves. This is their path to peace, love, and freedom, through our hearts.

I am K's vehicle on his journey to love and in love which defines itself as peace and freedom and contentment in his mind and heart. The journey within my own heart and more deeply my soul is crucial to his. As we walk our respective paths, they will merge the more, the more I allow myself access to my depths, my deepest, darkest secret places, my well of brimming love where my angel goddess resides. The farther I venture forth, the deeper and closer we will grow together, dance together in a love for each other so profound. It really is up to me.

This is the love dreams are made of, poets wax rhapsodic about, a few special beings have the honor and the wonderful, blissful, immeasurable delight in experiencing.

This is my dream. This will be. This is.

and so it goes

2008-09-16T17:08:00.001-07:00

June 26, 2006

There are many areas in which the communication between you and K does not flow completely, as easily and effortlessly as - believe me it can (and will). Having come so far and feeling things so much easier than they were - imagine how it would feel if you were to double that gain - wouldn't that be a nice place?

It's very reachable - there are still many secrets that your solar plexus tension is holding onto. I know you want it gone, and yet in a very real way you don't. In a very real way, whatever you solar plexus is holding onto, you may not be, no matter how much you want to be, completely ready to be a person who is without that secret.

Who would you be without the thought, "I'm not good enough"? There is a part of you being held together by this last bit of tension that doesn't want to let go of being the person who hears that as truth. The part of you that does not want to live with the reality of this uncertainty of knowing where K is at on this issue, who needs to understand rather than accept, who would feel rudderless without that anchoring thought of, "I'm not good enough, and K's behavior is proof of that."

Instead of analyzing this, what would it be like to be a person who could simply accept all this and move on? Who would you be? How would it feel to let go of this core issue, this old belief, this past life? Imagine how your solar plexus is grabbing onto that thought. Imagine slowly tearing its fingers away from it; imagine letting that thought go. It means cutting the cord to what you have always believed about yourself and moving into an unknown in which nothing makes sense. In which you have to proceed into uncharted territory with a newly minted and unfamiliar ship called D.

Men want what you want: to feel connected; to feel admired, loved, appreciated; to feel there is someone beside them, mentally, psychologically, emotionally; to feel free to be who they are and accepted and loved even with their faults; to be known; to be loved even when they are known; to be responsible and respected but not beholding; to be allowed to give and have what they give be received but not to be owing or demanded or pressured.

They have exactly the same needs. They're just wired a little differently in their brains and body, and they process information differently. They have a need to go outward and make their mark and give and leave an impression.

We mostly need to connect. We are about relationship; they are more about how things work. These qualities are supposed to dovetail so that the team has all of these qualities, together. Otherwise we're both at one end of the dinghy and end up taking on water. Without some sense of mystery - as how women work or how men work, we're cutting off some of the joy of the whole thing. Otherwise we should marry women!

My wish is for you to abandon these notions that you can understand anything and simply make a choice to take him as he is however that is and to heal your own self by staying with your deepest feelings and sharing them as much as you can, reveling in your own body and how good it feels when it mixes with his, and let the past and the rest go.

Believe in yourself and your relationship even when you are tense. Believe that you have cleared a piece of the past that had a hold on you. Let it go. Take another step forward on the game board, if not by actually feeling better yet, by believing that you will tomorrow, and that it's just a matter of sinking into yourself, letting go of what doesn't work or feel good, and stepping forward at the same time.

The catching, the blocking, the tension is very real, caused by traumas, physical and emotional all locked into my muscle memory, but it's also a habitual response, and it creates separation as my protection when things feel too good, as if I need to suffer for my rewards, or when I'm afraid. I have already suffered greatly.

Suffering is earthbound and no longer necessary, all the sinking feelings, the not good enough stuff, the pain, the obsessive thoughts. In an odd way, the pain makes me feel more whole, and that's okay. Embrace it. Love it, for it has kept me from sinking under. I must change my beliefs. I must walk the road to my goddess self bathed in bright light full of love and in all my glory.

DOUBT-GRATITUDE-COMPASSION-RELEASE- LOVE-PEACE

men - women

2008-09-16T17:06:00.001-07:00

2/12/2006

Dear D,
You sound so wonderful. My heart is full with great kudos for your bravery and the lightening speed with which you've pretty much dismantled your defenses and created an entirely new space for yourself and your relationship to rest in. You are quite simply amazing.

About the mood swings. You've moved so fast and stirred so much up, stuff is just coming up and most likely will continue to come up as you disarm more and more. Going through the pain that comes up is what's getting you to the other side, so every time icky stuff comes up, it's another opportunity to go deeper, release more, get more joy! Seems like a nice, dependable process you've got going there! Doesn't always feel great, but you know you'll have a reward at the end when you go through it. The water gets muddy, and then it gets clear.

About me. I hesitate to imagine what it's like to be a man and what is or isn't standard. And the most obvious thing I can get my mind around is that they compartmentalize, and we don't. They see absolutely no relation between a picture of a strange woman's naked body and genitals and the naked body and genitals of the woman they love. One goes straight to the physical - must be some completely different part of the brain, and one goes to the heart, the core, the psychology.

It is disturbing. I always feel disturbed when my husband says something that rings of - what is to me - the most superficial sexual context imaginable, and then in the next moment he can reach for me in a completely, utterly different way. I can feel the difference. It's as though one moment he's a schoolboy and another he's my husband.

My belief is that I don't need to give a moment of my life's energy to thinking about my husband's (or any man's) psychological process. (Unless that would interest me intellectually - which is NOT a good place to go with someone you want to have a deeply connected, intimate relationship with.)

It's his to deal with. All I care about is that he knows what makes me happy and what doesn't, and that he demonstrates, repeatedly, his intention to do what makes me happy. The rest he is free to contemplate, and I am free to ignore.
Hope that helps.
Love, R

yet more stuff to ponder

2008-09-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

You're going to have to separate out the person, K (the soul of K), and the behavior of human being K. You're going to have to separate out any and all behavior from your love for the person. You're going to have to accept him exactly as he is.

As long as he's not blowing smoke into your lungs or forcing you to eat food you don't like, he's just doing his thing. You are going to have to become uncaring of his behavior out of love for the person. You can do this. When you look at him, look at his soul behind his eyes. Look at him with love. His behavior is mostly meaningless.

People can hurt us in many ways, by many behaviors which trigger pain in us. Even if they don't mean to. There is a limit on what one person can do to change his or her behavior for another without compromising him or herself. Some behaviors are destructive - but this is not the case here. His behavior is well within normal bounds.

There is also a limit on what a person can do to change for another if it is not his or her good time. Everyone has his or her own journey. We're all on our own paths. You cannot push or shove someone to a higher state. That creates resistance in them which is worse than ignoring their folly. Every man has foolishness and folly and bad thinking and stupidity and all kinds of things. You must separate this out and see him as another human being. And perhaps he is not more conscious than you. Perhaps he is not on a higher level than you. He is simply on his own path.To truly love him is to let him be. Let him discover his own path.

You on the other hand, if you like his brand of love and his smell and his soul, then bless him and his follies and let them go. Get on with your own path. It is not stuck back there in this issue, I guarantee you. Get on with this. Letting go will enable many other doors to open up.

This pornography issue can heal you if you let it go and feel how it feels to let it go. I even say - EMBRACE IT. It is clearly a path to healing for you. EMBRACE PORN. Learn to love it. Do a 180. See how you feel, nausea and all. Get through loving it. Love what it is. This is. Become a Stripper; take a class. Go ahead.

K is with you and has this folly for a reason. It's not an accident. And I don't believe he's the one who's supposed to change. I believe it's you! I would imagine you will leap another few thousand karmic lifetimes by doing this. Go ahead, feel what it feels like to embrace porn. And embrace K for bringing this to you so you could embrace it.

The pain is the resistance. If you are resisting - perhaps you were a courtesan once; perhaps you were a porn star in some strange land; perhaps your childhood created pain. Let go. Embrace. You are moving forward. You will go nowhere if you stay stuck in "Why".

His head is likely not where I would think it is. Men don't go to the places women do. Don't even go there. Don't go there!!! This impedes my going deeper. Stay with me and my feelings. What's blocking my progress is the part of me that needs to control things. This is what is making me feel yucky.

What if I can't control anything? What if I were floating from moment to moment without any way to affect anything? What if I stopped manifesting for a moment and simply let it be? What would it feel like just to be? What if I could give up caring if K can be trusted and just believe he can? What if I could deeply and profoundly love and accept myself? What if I could deeply and profoundly love K? How would that feel? Instead of asking why and trying to process, imagine myself in a peaceful place. Breathe in and out of my heart.

I don't need you to heal, but I want to heal in your presence. - tinque

The greatest loves are the most challenging, for they force you to grow in the most profound ways if that is what is wanted. - tinque

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tze

masculine energy man - is this so?

2008-09-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

12/19/2005
Dear D,
I believe I said that the whole act of a masculine energy man committing to one woman is so momentous and huge that looking at playboy or the internet or some innocuous, not real representation of other women gives that man a release valve for his anxiety about that commitment and the fear that he will never again experience the purely physical thing of sleeping with a big variety of women (which is what he is programmed to want to do).

He is very aware of what commitment means, and if a masculine energy man needs to tell himself that he's free at all times to choose you over and over again and that looking at pictures of other women helps him in that regard to not feel commanded or pussywhipped by us, then that's a good thing for us.

And by not making a big deal about it, we are demonstrating self-esteem and self-love - that we recognize these pictures are not real, that we recognize that his fantasy life is not under out control and will not try to control it because we know he loves only us. That is a very powerful magnet for a masculine man.

When you are able to speak heart to heart -- you can ask deeper questions without getting a defensive response.
Love, R

first heart-to-heart

2008-09-02T14:49:00.001-07:00

12/330/2005
Dear D,
About the words. When you can finally do a heart-to-heart talk with him, where you can bare your heart simply and cleanly and let him know exactly what is you want in smaller, less explosive issues, you will find a way to communicate this too.

You might try verbalizing a fantasy for him during sex - or sometime when you're just snuggling. You might try trading fantasies (though his might be bit rough for you - be prepared and open). Tell him where you are - tell him what you say and what he says. It's an opening, and what you're looking for here is not instant results but an opening to communicating on a deeper, more honest level with him.

Remember - bottom line - he must make you more happy than he makes you unhappy. There is nothing you can do to make him more affectionate, to tell you how he feels, or in any other way get him to do what you want him to do.

All you can do is inspire him to such acts by being fun, relaxed, responsive, and putting absolutely no pressure of any kind on him. You've already asked him some deep questions, and he's clearly uncomfortable answering some of them. The only way you can bring any of this up is to talk about your own feelings - happy ones and sad ones - and no more asking what he thinks and feels about your relationship!

Whenever he does not respond the way you want him to, it throws you into a bad feeling state and insecurity. So don't ask. If you're really feeling out of it - do whatever you need to do to feel better, even if it's telling him you feel lousy and lonely.
Love, R

12/31/2005
Dear R,
Big news! Okay, I had a heart-to-heart, I think. I've been haunted by those images of him looking, so I had to talk to him. I said, "I feel nervous bringing this up, but my heart hurts much of the time, and I feel confused. I don't understand things about you and us, so my mind makes things up, and it eats at me."

I asked if he had a secret life. He said there was no secret life.
"Is everything on the table?" I asked. "Yes," he said.
"It wasn't a few months ago." "What do you mean?""You know what I discovered ." "You mean the pornography? Are you still obsessing about that?"

I said next that I have been working so hard on this, but I hate wondering if he still does it or doesn't do it, that I hate thinking about it, and I get upset with myself for thinking about it. I keep coming back to that there is something lacking in me.

He continued by saying that if I'm so jealous that he can't look at another pretty woman and then let it go at that, then I have a problem, that this is all my problem basically. I replied that no it wasn't that so much as where it would go from there. He said that if I can't trust him then..., but I interjected, asking if he knew what I meant, and he thought I meant chasing after other women, but I said no. I told him that I know he wouldn't do that after what he's been through, and I know him well enough to know that isn't him. He caught on that I meant fantasy. He then said that I can't imagine the perfect relationship and expect him to fit into that.

I expressed that I want to be the prettiest, the sexiest in his life. He then spoke about looks and the danger/futility of having a relationship based on looks alone, for soon we'll be in our 60's, 70's etc. I told him that looks are important to me, but they are not the only thing, but I'm concerned that they are important to him. He responded that looks are important as an initial attraction. He also said that this relationship won't work if this is where I'm coming from or looking for or something like that. He went on to say that what I am saying indicates to him and/or if I'm unhappy with this relationship then I need to find what it is that makes me happy and go for it. "I need to be myself. You need to be yourself, and we will see if we can grow together from there."

Somewhere in here there was something about me not having the right or being able to control his fantasies and if I wanted to, then that was a serious problem. He can't even control what goes on in his little mind. I responded that I can't control him in this way nor would I want to.

He then pulled me towards him very tenderly and embraced me warmly, held me close. I asked if he loves me lots, and without hesitation and with great sincerity, he said he loves me lots and hugged and kissed me some more, smiling lovingly. I said in parting that I was afraid to love him all the way, for I'm afraid of being hurt. He replied that I need to let go, but I question if he's letting himself go all the way, heart and soul. He was very attentive and loving the reat of the evening, and we feel asleep in each others' arms.

This morning I asked him what loving me means to him or feels like to him and what me loving him means or feels like. He said he didn't have words for this, so I told him I had many and should I write them down. He said yes. Here is the list.

Loyalty/Fidelity
To cherish To feel cherished
To adore To feel adored
To support To feel supported
To respect To feel respected
To treasure To feel treasured
To admire To feel admired
To feel beautiful, sexy, sensual
Passion
Lust
Profound connection - heart/soul/sexually
Comfort
Companionship
Fun/Laughter
Adventure/Exploration - together and individually

After reading this he said, "Yes please." He then took my face in both hands and kissed me deeply, tenderly, passionately, and then he hugged me.
Love, D

fear

2008-09-02T14:47:00.001-07:00

Why do I continue to hold onto what's not there?
Release. Let go. It's too much to bear.
You asked me to trust in my heart so that you,
Might feel safe enough to believe in it too.
Have you thought, my love, the reverse could hold true?
That you might not have faith in your feelings too?
Can I really feel protected yet open with you?
Release. Let go of the fears that you bear.
They're not necessary. It's secure. Love is what's there.

important thoughts

2008-09-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

"Every woman he thinks of as attractive is a version of me."

I am an angel, and I'm here to bring a little piece of love to this world.

Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed. -tinque

When I'm feeling insecure, when I feel detached, when I feel numb, when the gremlins have me by the throat, look deeper. Am I angry? Am I angry at K for putting me into this space? Anger allows love which equals trust. I have powerful feelings, and it's okay to express them. Express them in the moment. I feel... Acknowledge all my feelings. Feel all that I feel. I must trust myself and my feelings. I must trust enough to be upfront.

The sun, the air, the light are wonderful lovers. Feel them. breathe in their sensual essences. Bathe in them. Relax. Breathe. Expand. Melt. Melt. Melt. Touch myself all over. Sensually meditate. Fantasize, Engage my entire body. Be curious. What if it's all good? What if everything is already as I wish it? Live the fantasy as if it's real. Bring him in. Allow him in. Sink into the heart of myself. It's powerful.

Imagine a stage. I'm on this stage, naked, gorgeous, magnificent. I raise my arms and open them wide. The audience smiles supportively, lovingly. I feel warm, sensuous, expansive. I feel embraced by the universe. I feel open and vulnerable, and it feels good. It feels like love. It is love.

dreams and things

2008-09-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

10/19/2005

I've been so focused on getting myself back to a semblance of myself so that I can work some on the relationship. We've been at a crossroads for a long time. He's right. But it's not an independent or dependent thing. It's not a question of being too concerned with stuff or what he thinks, yet it's all of that.

What it mostly comes to is that I have never been able to relax enough around any relationship to be authentic to myself, to be me in all my glory and all my flaws and all my love and all my pain. I have never been able to love because of this, and it comes from my fears, my insecurities, but I'm ready, I think, I hope. It's what I've always wanted, and now I'm being challenged to be the vessel of love I have dreamed of.

Yes I'm still bruised and hurting, but it's an avoidance really. It keeps me from doing the real work. It keeps me from loving. It keeps me from love. I guess it must be very scary, but it's so uncomfortable being in that place where I question and doubt and imagine bad things and put an evil face on the one I want to love. I've had glimpses of another place where I can feel love and warmth and good yummy things flow through me, and I feel good.

I'm constantly analyzing, wondering, worrying, trying to solve problems that may not even be there. See how I'm doing what I'm not to do anymore? Whatever he's thinking, feeling, doing, saying is his business, and I don't know what it is or what it means, and it's of no concern of mine.

Whenever these questions and doubts arise, I need to transform them into soft, pink D thoughts and feelings. What is it that I feel? Do I feel nice, good, happy, turned on, excited, safe, warm? Do I feel sad, awful, icky, worried, confused, tense, terrible, frustrated? Am I having bad thoughts? I must write if I cannot speak. Write about what I feel, why I feel it, memories it brings up if it does. I need to go to a lovely place and transform my negative state.

When I see him "looking" in my mind, and I feel hurt, sad, angry even, I feel insecure. Is this true? It's lying to me, making things up. Do I feel sad because I miss him? Do I feel a loss of connection to him, to myself? Breathe.

Imagine and feel the energy of my breath flowing into my nostrils, down into my torso, filling my lungs, my heart, my breasts, my diaphragm, my belly, flowing ever downward into my core, my sex, expanding me, energizing me, arousing me, causing me to glow.

Feel the energy pulse and rise back up my spine, filling my heart anew, as my shoulders relax and open, allowing my heart to be proffered to the universe, to him. My heart is opening to love. Love flows into me, through me, out of me. It flows between us.

So how do I shift this relationship, start being more authentic? I need to start being true to me, warm and fuzzies and not so warm and fuzzies. I need to speak my feelings to him. How do I speak to him so that he hears me? I tell him how I feel, no elaboration or excuses or apologies, no reason why. Find out what's going on in the moment for me and try to express it, bad and good.

When he hugs me, melt into him, as I already do, and tell him it feels good, feels nice. Tell him I'm feeling bad, sad, disconnected. Tell him I'm feeling happy, safe, secure. Tell him it feels good seeing him, that I missed him.

When I feel really bad, as best as I can, I need to go to a lovely place and transform my negative state, a place where I feel good, a fantasy place, a place of transformation.

I see a beautiful meadow filled with colorful wildflowers of pure, clean white, healing, calming lavender, soothing, sensuous pink, happy, smiling yellow, passionate, vibrant red, and tall, soft, lush green grass, all of which bow and sway in the gentle breeze that wafts through.

It brushes my cheek. It kisses my brow, my lips, caresses me, and loves me all over, as it penetrates the thin garment I wear, a sheer ivory robe with a loosely tied sash encircling my waist that dances with my every movement. My long tresses billow, riding the crest of a draught.

I raise my face to the warm, soul filling sun. I close my eyes and feel myself filling up with its loving sensual light. I'm filling up, and it feels so good. My eyes open, and I see him across the expanse of the field. He waves and welcomes me, and he smiles with great joy, delight spreading over his familiar features.

I run to him, as his arms open wide to invite me into him. I stop briefly, as we gaze at each other deeply. Our laughing, twinkling eyes meet and dissolve into a pool of openness. I fall into his embrace and melt. His arms enfold me, take me in.

struggling to believe

2008-08-28T13:40:00.001-07:00

My silly mind is making things up again, allowing itself to be overrun with lies. The truth is he loves me. I'm his queen,, his empress, is princess, his one and only. He told me so, and he wouldn't lie about these things. He's strictly monogamous, and this comes naturally to him, for he told me so, and he wouldn't lie about these things.

He may or may not be afraid, but what he thinks and feels is not my concern. He loves me; he wants me; he adores me and respects me. He loves my beautiful body and my spankable butt, and my silliness, and especially my perfect breasts. He told me so, and he wouldn't lie about these things. My intellect, my creativity, my artistry, but most importantly he loves me, my heart, my soul, my depths. My job is to take care of me and my needs, do what makes me feel good.

I deserve happiness, love, beauty, freedom, trust, admiration, respect. I deserve to be loved and adored. I imagine beautiful, warm sunshine touching me, caressing my skin, each and every pore coming alive with sensation. it warms my heart, my spirit, and soul. It fills me with so much love.

I embrace the pain and the sadness inside.
It aches, and it pulls my heart open wide.

I welcome the tears though it hurts me so,
For this is the way to freedom I know.

Joy and happiness are always at hand,
Though I feel somewhat abandoned.

It's only for now; I know this is true.
Until it passes, I must revel in the blue.

I strive for peace and serenity.
Love can thus grow with purity,

Of heart and spirit and soul, so full,
So together we can be better, so beautiful.

I can see us bound together inseparable yet spiritually unique. We have so much love for each other. It flows between us. It pulsates. It throbs. It's spiritual. It's sensual. It's sexual. It dances peacefully through and around us.

We love to be together in quiet solitude, in riotous silliness, in laughter, in tears, in jubilation, in bliss, united as one, reaching the peaks of ecstasy, in orgasm and in love. We explore. We adventure. We love. We make love.

We are like rainbows exuding a myriad of prismatic colors all around us. We are special, and together we're better. Our colors blend to create hues never before seen. We are a rare and special pair.

deep angst

2008-08-27T18:39:00.000-07:00

8/29/2005-12/31/2005
I'm having a difficult time accepting that this is not a reflection on me, that I'm more than enough, as he said. I've been working slowly, steadily at a pace apparently I could handle on my still unresolved feelings of inadequacy. I know I have a tendency to cling. It seemed to be fading away until this.

I feel like I've been plunged way back into my fears, my old "security blanket" though it's hardly secure and certainly not comfortable. All I can do is to continue to work on myself. There must be some very good reasons for all of this, some I know full well, others I have yet to uncover. It has been so painful, and it continues to hurt.

I can't seem to rid myself of the images of him looking, wanting, lusting, feeling so inadequate and not enough. He would rather jerk off to images of those little chippies. Is he doing that? I don't know.

Are men aroused by any female body? If so then what's so special about me? Why me at all? Is he tired, bored of seeing the same body, me, everyday? Why would he want to be aroused by another woman's body if he loves only me? I give him everything he wants and then some, so why? I'm always ready and available and more than willing, so why?

He says I'm cute, adorable, special even. He says I have a beautiful body and perfect breasts. He says I'm his one and only, that he's mine completely. Is this his way of saying he loves me? He says he thinks it's sexy when a woman ages gracefully. It's a turnoff when they try to look like a twenty year old. He says he wouldn't want a twenty year old, yet it's twenty year olds he likes to look at on the internet. I'm confused.

Why does he say so little? It's incredibly painful to find beautiful prose written by him to another albeit a long time ago. I've received almost nothing. He's had his heart broken. Maybe he's afraid of voicing things, for then it might go away and/or hurt him.

It could mean I'm not special enough to warrant pretty words, but maybe he's not ready. Maybe he's scared too. Is any of this true? I really don't know. I don't know if he's still looking. I really don't know anything. He asked me for my pictures before he left. He made a point of having them with him. What does it all mean?

What is it you want from me? From a relationship? What's happening with us? What's happening with you? I wish I could know what he's thinking, feeling. How does he feel about me? Us? Our life? His life? He feels sad to me. Maybe it's my sadness being projected. He feels unsure, questioning, disconnected. Maybe it's all my feelings.

My life has been turned upside down and inside out. I'm in turmoil. I so desperately want to open myself up to love for the first time ever, real love, no holding back, no walls, fully open, fully love, fully loving, fully in love. I so want to reconnect with him on an even deeper level. I want to feel love. I want to love myself that I may love him. Yet I feel love aching to be released. I miss the deep connection that likely never was. I feel moments of it, but my fear interferes. Or is it his fear? My fear? Both of our fears?

I'm trying so hard to keep the curtains that surround my heart from closing altogether, but I'm hurting. I'm not numb; at least I feel, but I have fear. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep feeling as if I'm falling into a bottomless abyss?

I don't want to be numb, but all I seem to get instead is a big ball of ache. Why do I keep have recurring bad thoughts? Why do I keep putting this icky face on him? I want the negative pictures to leave me alone. When images of him looking pop into my head, I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel insecure. I feel not good enough. I feel so sad. Is any of this true? My demons are lying, making things up. I feel sad because I lose connection with myself, and I lose connection with him.

Why do I feel so fucked up? But I'm perfect just as I am. You told me so. I'm in a great deal of pain. My heart aches. It feels like it's going to break. I'm scared. I miss you. I miss feeling close to you. I'm so confused. I feel lost. Why did this have to happen? I wish I could forget. I wish this would all go away. I wish I could feel at peace. I wish I could feel love. What is it going to take to get me through this? I wish it would all go away.

is this possible?

2008-08-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

6/28/2006
I cannot know or understand how men are, how they work inside. I can accept and embrace them and their differences, at least this is what I strive to believe.

They have an ability to compartmentalize that most women do not, that most women would find incomprehensible. We connect emotionally to everything, especially women like me who are so sensitive, so sensory, so self-aware physically and emotionally and spiritually. I am acutely in tune with my being in all ways, and this has become more and more marked more recently, this past year, this past month.

In turn I have become even more aware and able to touch surrounding energies, others and their feelings. I can feel a person even through a photograph. I can connect with a person's spirit instantly, and my instincts in this regard are immensely accurate. This ability is mostly inconceivable to men. A man can empathize with another, but feeling them as many women can is mostly impossible. Their emotional connection lies with us. We facilitate this in them if we allow it within ourslelves. This is their path to peace, love, and freedom, through our hearts.

I am K's vehicle on is journey to love and in love which defines itself as peace and freedom and contentment in his mind and heart. The journey within my own heart and more deeply my soul is cruial to his. As we walk our respective paths, they will merge the more, the more I allow myself access to my depths, my deepest darkest secret places, my well of brimming love where my angel goddess resides. The farther I venture forth, the deeper and closer we will grow together, dance together in a love for each other so profound. It really is up to me.

This is the love dreams are made of, poets wax rhapsodic about, a few special beings have the honor and the wonderful, blissful, immeasurable delight in experiencing.
This is my dream.

no man

2008-08-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

6/26/2006

"No man worth his salt wants to be told to rein himself in on a personal subject like this that involves his feelings of personal freedom." (I would add that any man who does quickly loses the respect of the woman he loves. )

I'm in complete agreement with this. I cannot control him in any way, and I don't wish to. That would feel awful to him, and that would feel awful to me. It would not be conducive to the kind of relationship I desire.

I only brought this subject up twice since the discovery, and I never once asked K to stop or do anything differently for that matter. It's not my place. It would be wrong. It's negative energy for my spirit and for the relationship. He has to do whatever it is he has to do.

As long as it doesn't affect how he is with me which it hasn't, then I have to trust him. This is my goal, to trust myself and him so much, have confidence in myself so much that it doesn't matter to me if he does it or not. I don't want to care anymore.

No one is harder on me than me. My first thought as my first thoughts always are is that it's my fault, whether that might mean that I drove him to do it or that I'm naive about this subject.

What has saddened me and caused me to feel so discouraged and hopeless at times about this is that I immediately put up a wall against K as instinctive protection, and this hurts. I've been having trouble feeling him, in my heart I mean.

I'm never volatile, a little moody sometimes which manifests as quiet and introspection, but that's it. He's not accustomed to someone who is as even tempered as he. I know he likes it, but he may not fully trust it yet.

I also believe that K has been going through some huge personal, spiritual growth during this time as have I. He has not been in a relationship this long before or one that meant this much to him, one that has been this intimate and this open, sexually yes but also spiritually, especially now that I have some tools to help me communicate better and the courage to utilize them.

Though I have been in long term relationships, the rest holds true for me too. The porn discovery has forced me to go into places inside I didn't know existed but also places I would not have dared go before had I even known of their existence and had I not been placed in the situation I was. This is all very, very good.

I'm feeling things I've never felt before. As for K, I believe he's been upending some of is belief systems as well. If he still looks, it could not be very often and if it's present, it's been kept well away from me which I really, really appreciate. I am grateful that he respects my discomfort with it.

It's in part thanks to him though that I've let go and opened up enough to where I felt so comfortable, it compelled me to explore my sexuality with him, and a whole wonderful world that I had only dreamed of has opened up to me in turn, and it continues to do so the more vulnerability I allow myself.

it hurts so

2008-08-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

9/14/2005
I'm so uncomfortable. I cannot seem to shake this feeling of dread. I cannot seem to be able to work it out within myself. I've tried going into the bad feelings, for maybe resisting it is causing more pain, but this doesn't seem to work for long if at all. The hurt and the pain and all my bad thoughts keep flooding back.

I can't talk about it with K. I don't know what to say. I'm afraid. I don't know how to express how bad I feel, wondering all the time if he's looking. I've tried asking myself, "Is that true?" ala Byron Katie, to any of the voices inside that whisper to me, yell sometimes, but this too doesn't seem to work for long if at all.

Can I live with a man who looks at photos of other women on the internet? I want to say I can, but I just don't know. It hurts so much. I can't seem to stop thinking about it, thinking about why? what's missing in me? I know intellectually I'm enough, more than enough he told me, but I don't own it.

He told me the images are like a piece of peppermint candy, whereas I'm the gourmet meal, but this doesn't really make sense to me. I still don't understand. I want to, I really, really do, but I don't know how. Nothing seems to help. I feel such despair sometimes.

I know this situation with K has created an opportunity for me to deal with emotions that have long been buried and issues I thought had been cleared up, but I ask myself, what next? How can I do this? Can I even do this? Are my fears and insecurities so deeply ingrained I will never be able to resolve them? Will I ever feel love? What is love? Will I ever be the vessel of love I dream about? Will I ever find peace with this and within myself?

this is now

2008-08-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

letters written to:
1. a woman who specializes in sexual healing who I saw regularly between 8/2006 - 1/2007
2. my personal coach, my savior whom I consulted with weekly for a year and a half following the discovery
3. a dear friend who lives overseas

June 14, 2008
Dear H,
I know you're busy and may not have the chance to respond, but if you could, I would be so grateful. Some big congratulations and big hugs and kisses would be nice too. I asked him to show me, and we ended up sharing the experience sexually.

It was fun, and I finally got to see for myself why it is, what it means, or really what it doesn't mean. I told you yesterday that since I can't be in ignorance of it anymore, and I can't tell him what to do, and I wouldn't want to, and I can't pretend it doesn't exist as many women do because for me, it would creep back out from under the carpet eventually as it has, so I had to understand and make friends with it.

I suppose I had to reach a place in my growth where I could do what I did today. The white elephant has finally stopped telling me horrible stories, has finally stopped squeezing me so hard I can't breathe, has stopped fighting me and pinning me down helplessly. He has left the room.
Love, D

August 10, 2008
Dearest R,
I would love to talk to you. Three years almost to the day we first spoke, I have healed. Three by the way is my life path number. I feel a huge weight has lifted from my heart and soul. I feel a lovely sense of freedom, and the energy between K and me is so soft, easy, intense, amazing, and sex has expanded to incredible heights and depths. I did it. I really did it.
Love, D

August 12, 2008
My dear J,
I feel like a new person. A huge load has lifted. A new wonderful communication has opened up between K and me beyond the porn. It has been quite an experience sharing it with him, opening myself to it and just opening myself.

I can talk to him now about anything. I've continued to ask him questions about this topic when they arise, and he's been open, honest, and loving, generous. It's all very clean. I feel an ease I've never felt before with him or any man for that matter.

Sex is even more amazing if that's possible, and apparently it is. He feels so much happier and not I think entirely because of the porn but because my energy has cleared. I've relinquished the barriers I kept to protect myself. I'm allowing him in. What an incredible thing, all of it. Now I'm helping my friend with the same problem.
Much love, D.

that was then

2008-08-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

WHY! WHY! WHY!
6/12/2006
When I discovered what I did almost one year ago now, porn on his computer, I felt as though my world was coming to an end, crashing down around my ears, my little bubble of sweet illusion torn and tattered, burst just like that in a brief moment. I felt my heart clench up and be torn from my chest in one hardened lump and dashed to the ground.

It's not that I felt completely at ease with you. I've never felt completely at ease with anyone, not even myself. All my life I've been filled with anxiety, and now it's not only about me, it's you, us, life, love. I did feel secure in my attractiveness with you and how you felt about me, but in that moment, I felt that I knew nothing, not about you, me, or us.

I also knew in that moment that there was a very good reason why this had happened and that I had some deeply serious lessons to learn, belief systems to reconsider. Regardless, it's hard not to feel that it's my fault that you look, that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not young enough, not sexy enough, not anything enough.

A speech carefully composed, one of my first heart to hearts - oh so hard for me then

10/20/2006
I don't feel there's anything wrong with our relationship other than we both have trouble opening up and talking about our feelings and deeper issues. I haven't known how before. I've never done it before. It's new to me, but it feels like keeping secrets when I keep things to myself for whatever reason, and this feels awful.

I'm sensitive in that I feel it when you are troubled. I sometimes ask if there's anything you would like to say or tell me and when you say no even though I feel otherwise, it feels like secrets too, and that also feels awful. I'm also sensitive in that I often take it personally and feel it's me, and again that feels awful.

I've been learning ways to open up a little when things are on my mind, share deeper parts of me and when I do, it feels so good. I feel so much closer to you.

I want to tell you why I went into therapy over a year ago and didn't tell you until now. I was afraid and embarrassed that you would see what a mess I felt I was, but I also couldn't tell you because it was because of you and what I had discovered about you, when I found the porn.

I felt my world was coming to pieces around me. I felt I was going to lose myself, and I felt I was going to lose you too. I felt betrayed. I felt like I had been cheated on.

I'm grateful that this happened though because it made me realize how guarded I still was, how shut down, so much I still had to release, so much I still had to give to me and to you.

This past year I've been working mostly on releasing and opening up, and I have in all ways. Even though we have always had a good sex life, great you said, I know now that there is more, that I can open up, expand even more sexually, and this has been the easiest and the funnest. I've also opened up more energetically and spiritually. My heart has been slower, the words too. In so many ways I feel so much better.

I've also been working so hard to release the issue with porn. I've been working on it and working on it, trying to come to a place of acceptance, embrace it even, but I'm not there yet. I may never get there. I don't know why it triggers me so horribly, but it still does. It still hurts.

I feel miserable when my thoughts go to imagining you looking at pictures on the internet or at magazines. I've wanted to ask you not to look at that stuff or tell me you have already stopped. I don't want to have suspicions anymore. I don't even want to think about it anymore.

I want to know in my heart that you're not doing it, but herein lies my dilemma. I don't want to impose on your freedom. Asking you this feels to me like asking you to give away a little piece of your freedom, and I don't know if I have the right to ask that. I don't know if it's okay, but I'm suffering, so I'm asking.

I will continue to work on this, but if I could know that you're not deliberately seeking it out, I feel I would have some peace with this piece. I realize that there's no way for me to know what you do when you're alone, but if you told me in all sincerity that you wouldn't do it, I would believe you. I trust you.

Sex and Heart

bye bye

insecure, oh yes

open-eyed heart

fear and such

new location

overthinking

what's really bothering you

life and love

words

thought for today, for always

the sexual divine

making love while listening at level three

remembering to choose

trust, love, and grace

breaking the barrier

more fun sex stuff

fun sex tip

looking at porn together can be good for you

am I not enough?

love

men and other women

on (the) edge

this is almost now

a faltering

the beginning of the end

essential oils for the skin and for the spirit

honesty

healing

the more

more heart to heart

more the answer

the answer

reminders

more men - women

I hate how I feel

healing

some truths

fear

even more meditation

more meditaton

another heart to heart

uncomfortable truths

more work

thoughts for a friend/reminders for me

process and the isness of porn

critucal truths

a meditation

random thoughts

openness

another breakthrough

my ongoing path

letter to myself

and so it goes

men - women

yet more stuff to ponder

masculine energy man - is this so?

first heart-to-heart

fear

important thoughts

dreams and things

struggling to believe

deep angst

is this possible?

no man

it hurts so

this is now

that was then